Why I read Playboy

Yeah, I gonna say it, even if it is a cliche´.  I read Playboy for the articles.  Actually, I read the cartoons first, then the articles: Twenty Questions, Essays, Columns, Interviews, and small stuff: Party Jokes, Advisor (Things that make me laugh).   I do the same thing with the newspaper.  Cartoons first then the news.

I don't really pay attention to the women, unless it's someone unusual.  Melissa Gilbert (from Little House on the Prairie) comes to mind.  I like my women a little thicker, more Zaftig than fake boobs and flat butt.

I can say this for all advertising, porn, or women batting their eyes at me trying to get my attention through sex.  For me, sex only works if there is truly a chance I'm going to laid.   I live in the real world and so does my friend and his two sidekicks.  As attractive as these women might be, the fact is I will never see them in person, nor have any distant hope of having sex with them.  I have a better chance of an alien showing up at the college and teaching me how to build an FTL drive.  (Which would be AWESOME!)

Now the woman across the street, in the grocery store, or at the local Stop-n-Rob.  That's a different story.  Any given day there is 10 - 90% one of these real women will want to take me home and bang my brains out!   That's what does it for me! It took me 25 years to figure this out.  I'm sure my college days would have been a lot less frustrating if I knew then , what I know now.

I like the interviews over the past couple of years: Patton Oswalt, Idris Elba, Steve Buscemi, etc

I also like the article on current events: Somali Pirates, Cyber Crime, Drug Smuggling, etc.  A lot of really cool stuff once you get past the half naked women.

Life by the Numbers (Sort of)

I'm at the Iowa City Juneteenth Celebration at Mercer Park.  The DeGowin blood center  is there running their blood drive as part of the events.  So why not?!?  I've been busy for the past severals month so draining a a unit would be great for my karma. After screening and getting blood data ( 148/94 not great but ok for donating and Hcrit of 42% Thanks god for red meat) I sit down to wait.

There are a couple of college students ahead of me and a another student waiting next to me.  The college student next to me starts talking to his girlfriend in the donating chair.  A start teasing her.  Telling her not to look at her arm, and try not to faint.  She does and start turning pale.  Blam! She is in the chair and out like a light .  Never seen anyone faint before.  Her eyes glazes over and the donating team goes nuts.  The guy sitting next to me has that "OH SHIT!" look.  I turn to him and say, "Dude, she is so going to kill you and you just blew any good karma you were hoping for here."  He grins and says, "Yeah, but she'll be down for at least two hours and that gives me a head start."  I give my unit and go home with the High Priestess, Technowitch and friend in tow.

I go home take a nap in the basement.  I get up and go upstairs to start cooking dinner.  I promise the High Priestess I'd cook the chicken tonight.  I grab the cook book and start thumbing through it.    My heart thumping like a bad dubstep song and I sweating like a pig at a Hawaiian Luau.  I go wash my hands to get started cooking....

Next, I'm on the floor looking up and see more people in my kitchen than I have ever had in my life.  The High Priestess is calling my name and Technowiz is just staring wide-eyed.  Questions: Do you remember your name?  Can you tell me what you were doing?  Date of Birth?  How do you feel?

I've a bump on my head the size that you usually see on Japanese anime characters.  There is a dent in the side of the stainless steel kitchen trashcan.  My shoulder feels funny.  Someone take my "average" blood pressure, "80".  What ever that means.  I'm loaded into the back of an Ambulance.  An IV drip of saline is started, and my blood pressure is taken again (83/30?!?  Not sure I heard that right.)  I'm lightheaded but quite aware of the ride.   Damn, this is going to cost a lot and I don't even get sirens and lights.

At the hospital,  They take more blood samples, as if I'm not already down a unit.  I get covered with sticker and patches to be hooked up to several machine.  I look like a bad Christmas tree.  The nurse Larry takes my pressure again lying down, sitting and standing.  he writes the numbers down next to three amusing cartoon stick figures, each of the figures in a different position.  I'm wheeled off for a Cat Scan and a Chest X-ray.  Thoughts running through my head:  Brain Tumor, or Mold from Sleeping in the basement, I've picked up some weird STD, or I had a heart attack.

Both the CT room and X-ray are cold.  First CT the tech tries to d fails because the CT machine overheats.  I keep expecting to hear the Ker-Chunk, Ker-Chunk sound like on TV but it never comes.  Then I think of all those Radiological techs I've had in my classes over the years.  This doesn't seem like a bad job.  I get moved to the X-ray room for some chest shots.  As time passes I feel better but tired and hungry.  I back to the examination room.

(ASIDE:  Being short and fat sucks.  You are never the right size for anything.  The Dressing gown keeps sliding off.  I'm just wide enough that it doesn't close behind me and the larger size would be to long.  Good thing I'm still in Shorts and a T-shirt.)

After thirty or forty minutes of my family members staring at me:  Technowiz is quiet.  Technowitch looks as if any moment tears will burst from her eyes, The High Priestess look full of worry and Technotaz look more worried for his Mother than for me.  I just feel old and stupid.  The Doctor comes in.

Now I really feel old.  The Doctor looks to be about early thrites, not Doogie Houwser, but definately not House either.  All the test come back normal.  Which mean they could not find anything obvious.  Which is great news, but now I am going to see a huge hospital and EMS bill.  CRAP!  I was saving this summer for a new ultrabook.  Doctor says I just fainted.

Great, I'm a pussy.  I spend five minute peeling tape and pads.  Pulling out hair from all over my body.  I'm leaving DNA all over the place.  Instead of paying back some Karma I've a got a more stuff to deal with for the month of July.  I wonder how much my free Donor t-shirt is going to cost after everything is all said and done.

1 down and 2 to go.

Yesterday the High Priestess drop Technotaz off at Iowa State.  Hot Damn!  Of course, now we have to play through the nose to keep him there.  Of course the HP, was in tears for the past few weeks.  Well, at least the bot is not on drugs, in prison or a father to several kids around town.  Which I can say is a world of difference from some of his kindergarten soccer teammates:  One in jail, another is a drop-out  and who knows about some of the others.

All I asked from him was to make sure i didn't get a call at 2 AM from Iowa States saying, He's dead, dying, drunk or blew up the Chemistry building.  In a nutshell:  Don't do anything Stupid!

Aside:  Last week I took the HP and Technowitch down to the campus were I work.  I introduce my wife and her to a colleague.  We talk about our kids and I mentioned Technotaz was off to Iowa State.  The colleague response?  "I didn't think you were that old!"

Thanks.... Sometimes everyone needs a kick in the balls...

Waiting on the Government

Actually this isn't so bad consider what I'm asking them to do. Most things take 6 - 8 weeks when dealing with the government. This request has only been four, and I know they have other things on their mind: WAR, TERRORIST, INFRASTRUCTURE, CHAOS, DEATH, OIL, and the poor. So may request is very, very, very small hill of beans, but I paid them $27 and I know they cashed the check.

I'm into genealogy in a big way. I just found my Grandfather's death benefit posted by the Social Security Office. This is great news, because I'm looking for anything I can on my Great-Grandfather and my Great-Grandmother. The fact that Grandfather Tech got a death benefit means at some point in time he filled out an applications for Social Security. The Social Security offices keep that information forever, and If you fill out the right form and spend some cash you can get a copy of the original application. So what you say? Here is the best part. The original form should hold the names of the parents! Mega Cool! Since I don't know the name of my Great-Grandmother's name! This would open a whole branch of my family and lead to some really Giga cool stuff.

Our downed tree has finally been cleared. As you can see the tree surgeon did a great job and got about 60 feet off the ground. Sorry Ladies, i missed the phot-op for the beefcake shot. You would have liked it: Shirt off, six pack abs, hold a chainsaw, all sweaty and cute! ( OK ...That sounded gay.)

He did a great job! He did some work for a neighbor down the street and I was impressed with his work. He even saved the tree so it didn't have to come down.

Oh Ladies, He drive a motorcycle when he is out giving job estimates. Write me and I can give you his number. lol

It can all be taken away: Part II

Last night while I was writing my last post the Black walnut tree in my backyard lost a major part of itself. The tree has always been in danger of toppling. It's just the nature of the Black Walnut species when the trees gets old. Last week I notice a main branch split and rotting. Yesterday a different limb came down. It looks like the whole tree will need to be taken down. I won't miss picking up the hundreds of Black Walnuts, but I will miss the shade. I wish there was some way to save the wood and make a desk out of it. Black Walnut wood is highly prized for furniture.

In a moment it can all be taken away from you.
The high Priestess and I were packing Friday to make our yearly pilgrimage to the family reunion. We tell teh kids to get ready. One of them close the door to the bathroom and start the water. The water stops. After ten minutes we hear nothing in the bathroom and assume Technotaz has finished with his shower. But Taz is downstairs with Technowiz having breakfast. The High Priestess calls for Technowitch, but she doesn't answer. The Priestess figures she is just busy and calls again. No answer. She knock on the bathroom door. No answer. She tries the door. It is lock. We try to make sure the kids have some privacy and TW has taken to locking the door so her older brother don't bother her. The bathroom door has a flaw that if you stand in just the right place you can see between the door and the door frame. The Priestess peers into the bathroom and can see TW's legs in the bathtub. She pounds on the door and scream TW's name. The legs do not move. TW is in a full bathtub and is not moving. I grab a paper clip to trip the lock. I'm sure it is nothing, but I have a small knot in my stomach as I find TW in the tub not moving, her eyes closed and her head barely above water. I Reach down and grab her arm and jerk her from a prone position to standing. The movement is so violent I pull the muscles in my arm and throw out my shoulder out of whack. I scream at her. "TW you were asleep!" She flatly denies it as she shake the sleep from her eyes. I go on and on about not taking a bath when tried, locking the bathroom door, and all the bad things that could have happened. TW looks defiant. I know she think I'm just yelling at her because I am the biggest meanie. The High Priestess rushes in and hugs TW like there is no tomorrow. The priestess cries and wails about her sad thoughts. She tell TW how worried she was and how much TW means to us. TW starts to cry... She says she is sorry.

It is amazing any of us reach our teen years...

(OK I'LL RANT NOW. TW WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING FALLING ASLEEP IN THE BATHTUB!)

A young lady friend of mine called me yesterday with happy news. She has become in engaged. Wonderful. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I alway this way when a woman I know tells me she is getting married.

I'm happy because someone other than myself has realized how wonderful this woman is and how much joy she will bring to his life. I'm happy because all the long chats we have about what guys are looking for, what an idiot boyfriend x was, and why can't I find anyone are gone and in the past. I happy because everyone needs someone to love. It doesn't matter what form or gender it takes. With how lonely and cold the world can be, just be happy you can find someone to hold on to.

I'm sad, because all those short fat middle-age male fantasy now have to go out the window. Dang if I was twenty years younger, one hundred pounds lighter, six inches taller, and had buckets of cash, We go out and paint the town red. I'd make sure she had a good time. As it is now I just sit on my park bench. You better treat her right or we hunt you down like the dog you are.

How High are the Iowa City Fireworks?

If you saw the firework in Iowa City you know I had some time on my hands. It seems the city planners decides to stretch out the show bit by resting 5 to 10 minutes after each volley. I guess someone kept dropping the match. So using a few physics, astronomy and math I came up with some cool numbers. The two key numbers were based on two facts. The speed of sound in warm air is about 1145 feet per sec. Using my digital watch the time between the "flash" of the firework and the "bang" of the explosion was about 1.25 seconds. The second piece of information is your fist held at arm length subtends about 10 degrees. That mean the fireworks were about 40 degrees off the horizon.

After doing the math here are the result. The height for the fireworks was about 880 feet. this goes nicely with a NOVA special I saw on fireworks. The average diameter of the display was 480 feet. Another number that fits nicely with know data. The muzzle velocity of the shell is at least 162 mph. Most Firework shells are round and fired like a mortar round, so there is air resistance. This number is probably low.

Wanna check my work?

I’m tired

I’m tired of a county more concerned with hairstyle, dresses, and voting people off the island.

I’m tired of a county that believes in everything, yet fights for nothing.

I’m tired of listening to people complain about their food, their car, their house, and their stuff.

I’m tired of the Bachelor, the Bride, the House, and the Survivor.

I’m tired of a country that only thinks about black or white.

I’m tired of a country only think about the next five minutes or four years.

I’m tired of a country that only cares about a problem if it can be solve in one hour with commercials.

I’m tried of a country that is lazy, and doesn’t appreciate how well off it’s people are.



Personally, I think everyone in this country should be kidnapped for some time in a 3 third world country. They should all know fear, pain and death. So they know just what that blue, white and red flag means for one of the greatest nation on Earth.

My Workspace.

Yeah, I'm a college professor. I've been in school since I was 3 years-old. I'm a big kid at heart and my workspace reflects that. Let's take a tour.

The pink stuff on the Radiometer (The thing that looks like a light bulb under the lamp.) is silicone putty. Just like silly putty. It's fun to squish into shape when I'm thinking up story problems.

Next to that is a set of Lego's. See my cool 18 wheeler and my John Deere tractor? They serve the same purpose as the silly putty. All this stuff sit on top of my DVD burner. The lamp is there becasue I hate flourencent lighting. Incandecent lighting is warmer and more friendly.

The Angel Teddy bear is one of the several Beanie Babies I have scattered around the office. They all watch me do my work. To the left is my personal laser printer and to the right is my LCD screen. I purchase a lot of my own computer equipment because the college has crap. Yeah the pills are mine too. Tylenol for the headaches from students, and two used pill bottle filled with sand and aluminum pellets.

My Physics groupie sit on my CD rack. I really want to get her a t-shirt that says "I love Physics" or "Please Do Me Now!" I can't quite decide. My Albert Einstein action figure is tacked to my lower bookshelf. You can see some of the other Beanie Babies above him along with a picture of my dad hold my oldest son. The spaceship holds two astronauts and two aliens.

The CD rack hold all my CDROM for my courses. I made most of the labels myself. There is a postcard of Madison, Wisconsin at Lake Mendota. I would love to teach school in Madison! I love that town. Iowa City is a poor man's second choice. I like Iowa City, but I love Madison. I wish I could bike to work everyday and walk in the winter.

This is my desk. It is dark oak made in Vermont. It use to be my father's desk. Once again because the college supply desk is crap. You Can't really see it because of all the crap on the desk. I have never seen any science teacher or scientist with a clean desk. I do all my non-computer work out in the lab room where I can spread out. We can play "I SPY". I spy: A bag of Chocolates, a 1950's Bakalite Light sensor, 2 bottles of Lotion, 2 dragons, 1/2 a reem of paper, two used soft drinks, the robe of a wizard, and the standard of a great country I call home.




Barbie the physics groupie is back with some of my textbooks. The Astronomy book was written by my graduate advisor. The room in the background is the lab. See all the crap on the shelves. I'm a bit of a pack rat, saving everyhting I might find to teach with. Most of the book seen here I've sold back to the book buyers, because I need the space on my bookshelves. I made over $300 last semester, I used the cash to buy my TiVo upgrade. The great thing about that I can find really cool stuff to show my students.




My current new "Toy" my multimedia station for teaching my classes. Very Cool. I've been using my own stuff for years and now along with the new heating system I get this. I can show DVD's, Video, and the internet all from the space I lecture from.

The flowers are mini carnation I gave away to all my female student for Valentine's day. Next to the flowers are chocolate hearts for everyone. Yeah, I'm a big softie. See my UW-Madison coffee cup? I Can't believe I been teaching close to 20 years.