Digital Life at the Dentist

Time for the semiannual cleaning and picking at the local dentist.  This time the dental hygienist has something new up her sleeve.  An Xray sensor that plugs into the USB port of her computer.  Now all my X-rays and files are digital and the whole office is going paperless. Truly amazing times in which we live.  I still remember those little piece of film you had to hold in your mouth.  Yeah, I'm old.

Notice that little bump on the tooth in the lower left half of the image?  That little place is the bane of my existence.   A lump of plaque that builds up behind my teeth.  Normally there would be a third molar there, but I had my wisdom teeth take out long ago.  That spot is a pain in the ass to reach with a toothbrush and flossing is near impossible.  I try.  If I didn't that lump would be the size of Texas.  So this is the place the Dental Hygienist works on.

Normally, I'm pretty calm when getting my teeth worked on, but when the normal pick doesn't do the job my dental nazi brings out the big gun.  She uses an ultrasonic pick that lubricates itself with water.  It feels like a high speed drill and makes the same sound as a metal lathe.  That high pitch squeal of of crunching glass marble, fingernails on chalkboards and steel knife on an iron plate.  It hurts like hell: a hot needle dipped in heroin melted by a beatnik junkie on a friday night.  So, I'm off to my happy place.

My happy place is imagining my dental hygenist as a leather bound goddess from Helga's house of pain.  There are about four places she has to get to, so as she cleans my teeth she starts losing clothes and wearing more leather and lace.  The ultrasonic pick hits my back molar: POW!

She is wearing calf-high big black boots with 6 inch spiked heels.  Fishnet stockings go all the way up to her black garter belt, that peaks out from underneath the leather miniskirt that covers her ample round ass.  Her corset is black wet latex is two size too small so hear breasts heave with every breath she takes.  Her nipples just barely peak out of the corset…

"Ah Sir, are you ok?" My dental hygienist leans in front of the bright examination light.

("I'll Never Tell you the nuclear launch codes! You Nazi Bitch!"  I try really hard not to squeeze my dental hygienist ass with my closest free hand.) I nod

("We have ways of making you talk" She has a bad german accent and I'll be damn if  her breasts didn't  go up two cup sizes.)

"Just few more minutes and we will be done." She smiles at me.  I can taste blood in my mouth.  My gums bleed very easy.  The daily aspirin I take doesn't help, because the tiniest prick bleeds like crazy.

("Not talking, eh" She slaps me across the mouth and I taste blood.  She wheels in a cart piled high with whips, paddle, dildos, sex toys, a tub of Crisco, and a bucket of KY jelly.)

"Just one more place and we can finish up with polishing", she says.

("You will soon scream for me you American Yankee lapdog of the midwest!" She bend me over a wooden sawhorse and produce the biggest vibrating butt plug I've ever seen in my life!)

The Daydream shatters in a fit of laughter.  The dental hygienist quickly takes eight fingers, the ultrasonic pick and the suction hose out of mouth.  "ARE You Choking!"  She is frantic.  I'm laughing my ass off with tears rolling down my cheeks.  I can't keep a straight face for the rest of the appointment.

As I leave with my bag of dental goodies: Toothbrush, Dental floss, and a sample of toothpaste, I hear.

"Funny, most of the patient hate the ultrasonic pick."

Life by the Numbers (Sort of)

I'm at the Iowa City Juneteenth Celebration at Mercer Park.  The DeGowin blood center  is there running their blood drive as part of the events.  So why not?!?  I've been busy for the past severals month so draining a a unit would be great for my karma. After screening and getting blood data ( 148/94 not great but ok for donating and Hcrit of 42% Thanks god for red meat) I sit down to wait.

There are a couple of college students ahead of me and a another student waiting next to me.  The college student next to me starts talking to his girlfriend in the donating chair.  A start teasing her.  Telling her not to look at her arm, and try not to faint.  She does and start turning pale.  Blam! She is in the chair and out like a light .  Never seen anyone faint before.  Her eyes glazes over and the donating team goes nuts.  The guy sitting next to me has that "OH SHIT!" look.  I turn to him and say, "Dude, she is so going to kill you and you just blew any good karma you were hoping for here."  He grins and says, "Yeah, but she'll be down for at least two hours and that gives me a head start."  I give my unit and go home with the High Priestess, Technowitch and friend in tow.

I go home take a nap in the basement.  I get up and go upstairs to start cooking dinner.  I promise the High Priestess I'd cook the chicken tonight.  I grab the cook book and start thumbing through it.    My heart thumping like a bad dubstep song and I sweating like a pig at a Hawaiian Luau.  I go wash my hands to get started cooking....

Next, I'm on the floor looking up and see more people in my kitchen than I have ever had in my life.  The High Priestess is calling my name and Technowiz is just staring wide-eyed.  Questions: Do you remember your name?  Can you tell me what you were doing?  Date of Birth?  How do you feel?

I've a bump on my head the size that you usually see on Japanese anime characters.  There is a dent in the side of the stainless steel kitchen trashcan.  My shoulder feels funny.  Someone take my "average" blood pressure, "80".  What ever that means.  I'm loaded into the back of an Ambulance.  An IV drip of saline is started, and my blood pressure is taken again (83/30?!?  Not sure I heard that right.)  I'm lightheaded but quite aware of the ride.   Damn, this is going to cost a lot and I don't even get sirens and lights.

At the hospital,  They take more blood samples, as if I'm not already down a unit.  I get covered with sticker and patches to be hooked up to several machine.  I look like a bad Christmas tree.  The nurse Larry takes my pressure again lying down, sitting and standing.  he writes the numbers down next to three amusing cartoon stick figures, each of the figures in a different position.  I'm wheeled off for a Cat Scan and a Chest X-ray.  Thoughts running through my head:  Brain Tumor, or Mold from Sleeping in the basement, I've picked up some weird STD, or I had a heart attack.

Both the CT room and X-ray are cold.  First CT the tech tries to d fails because the CT machine overheats.  I keep expecting to hear the Ker-Chunk, Ker-Chunk sound like on TV but it never comes.  Then I think of all those Radiological techs I've had in my classes over the years.  This doesn't seem like a bad job.  I get moved to the X-ray room for some chest shots.  As time passes I feel better but tired and hungry.  I back to the examination room.

(ASIDE:  Being short and fat sucks.  You are never the right size for anything.  The Dressing gown keeps sliding off.  I'm just wide enough that it doesn't close behind me and the larger size would be to long.  Good thing I'm still in Shorts and a T-shirt.)

After thirty or forty minutes of my family members staring at me:  Technowiz is quiet.  Technowitch looks as if any moment tears will burst from her eyes, The High Priestess look full of worry and Technotaz look more worried for his Mother than for me.  I just feel old and stupid.  The Doctor comes in.

Now I really feel old.  The Doctor looks to be about early thrites, not Doogie Houwser, but definately not House either.  All the test come back normal.  Which mean they could not find anything obvious.  Which is great news, but now I am going to see a huge hospital and EMS bill.  CRAP!  I was saving this summer for a new ultrabook.  Doctor says I just fainted.

Great, I'm a pussy.  I spend five minute peeling tape and pads.  Pulling out hair from all over my body.  I'm leaving DNA all over the place.  Instead of paying back some Karma I've a got a more stuff to deal with for the month of July.  I wonder how much my free Donor t-shirt is going to cost after everything is all said and done.