Why I read Playboy

Yeah, I gonna say it, even if it is a cliche´.  I read Playboy for the articles.  Actually, I read the cartoons first, then the articles: Twenty Questions, Essays, Columns, Interviews, and small stuff: Party Jokes, Advisor (Things that make me laugh).   I do the same thing with the newspaper.  Cartoons first then the news.

I don't really pay attention to the women, unless it's someone unusual.  Melissa Gilbert (from Little House on the Prairie) comes to mind.  I like my women a little thicker, more Zaftig than fake boobs and flat butt.

I can say this for all advertising, porn, or women batting their eyes at me trying to get my attention through sex.  For me, sex only works if there is truly a chance I'm going to laid.   I live in the real world and so does my friend and his two sidekicks.  As attractive as these women might be, the fact is I will never see them in person, nor have any distant hope of having sex with them.  I have a better chance of an alien showing up at the college and teaching me how to build an FTL drive.  (Which would be AWESOME!)

Now the woman across the street, in the grocery store, or at the local Stop-n-Rob.  That's a different story.  Any given day there is 10 - 90% one of these real women will want to take me home and bang my brains out!   That's what does it for me! It took me 25 years to figure this out.  I'm sure my college days would have been a lot less frustrating if I knew then , what I know now.

I like the interviews over the past couple of years: Patton Oswalt, Idris Elba, Steve Buscemi, etc

I also like the article on current events: Somali Pirates, Cyber Crime, Drug Smuggling, etc.  A lot of really cool stuff once you get past the half naked women.

Ok, this may seem a little stalkerish, but thought it was funnier than hell. A little background, this lucky couple pulled out in front me at a four-way stop. It was their turn, so it's all good. They drove the speed limit all the way down Scott Blvd. I was behind them all the way, keeping a safe distance. The State of Iowa really frowns on running over poeple from behind. We were all being good safe drivers.

Then it hit me. What am I staring at? Her Butt!

Ok, I'm a guy, racing toward dirty old man. This was just funny, because I couldn't help but look at her butt.

There's a "BIG RED LIGHT" under, you guessed it, HER BUTT!

There are two people on the motorcycle. The closest body part, you guessed it, HER BUTT!

What the brightest piece of clothing these two are waering, you geussed it, the bright fushia sweats covering HER BUTT!
(The Dark shirt also contrast nicely with the sweats.)

The only words bigger than the lience plate, you guessed it, the "PINK" on HER BUTT!

Satan and God help me, I could not help but spend the next two mile staring at her butt. What is worse it was legal, that's where I was suppose to be looking.


Ladies, please don't give me excuses to look stare, because I will. I am a dog. I'm so going to fry in the afterlife.....

Got Milk (TMI Warning)
I'm in trouble. Sometime during the past three weeks the Tittie Fairy has landed on campus and there has been explosion of Double Ds. Normally, This would not bother me, but the current fashion on campus are those low V-neck shirt, sweaters or whatever. Ladies you are making it pretty damn hard to think about quantum physics.

Ladies here is something you may or may not know. ALL MALES FIGHT. I not sure if this is true for women, but for men I'm sure you don't know how deep the well goes. Males constantly test each other, not always with physical combat but with games and little challenges everyday. I mention this because I can see this get out of hand all the time. I think the Alpha Dog mentality is too deeply ingrained to be ignore. It happens everywhere, from shuffling in the elevator, trying to get on the highway, or playing video games in the mall. Male are constant trying to figure out who is top dog, and those lies they tell you in school are full of shit. "It's all about how you play" "It doesn't matter who wins" "We are just all here for fun." "Winning isn't everything"

Bullshit! WINNING IS EVERYTHING! That does mean you need to kill your opponent, but be serious in everything. Not all contest are fork in the road, but you need to realize which contest are important. This doesn't mean piss off your boos, nor does it mean you need to be a doormat. Use your head. However it is very relevant to group dynamics.

During these little matches the rules of fairness and decency go out the window. Like Kasparov being kicked under the table and a world class chess match. The only opponent he ever played that had Honor was a machine. The rest spent time trying the distract him from play by kicking him. I don't remember any chess lesson that told me to kick someone. Winning is the only goal. If Kasparov ever lost to these people , you would have never heard about it. Success washes everything clean. Winning is everything and it doesn't matter how you get there. Take Kobe Bryant, Barry Bonds, and a host of thousands.

Not everything is a World Class Chess meet, Super Bowl, or NBA playoff. I'm talking about those little contest that happen everyday. If you lose them you are stuck into the loser pile of life.

Deep Truth #9

Men are Bears with furnature.

I don't care what color the sofa is. I don't care if the kitchen Curtain match the wallpaper. I definately, don't about the color of the paint in the bedroom or the color of the sheets on the bed. ALL MY Favorite activities in the bedroom have nothing to do with the color scheme. I don't sleep with my eyes open, so the wall can be painted bright green. I only care about the color because YOU care and I want to make sure you are happy. The Happier you are, the better the chances I get to do some of my other favorite activites in the Bedroom, Kitchen, Dining room, upstair hallway, basement behind the furnace......etc...etc...

I don't care if the house is messy as long as I can still use the room for what I what , and don't have to spend to much time looking for the TV remote, my car keys, the dog, or whatever I'm interested in finding.

Deep Truth #8

Women are much more judgemental on themselve and each other than men are.

Ladies, you are not too fat, too skinny, too small breasted, too large breast....etc....etc

You look fine. Most guy have a very short list in what the like or find desirable in women ( or Men, trying not to be bias). Usually there are only one or two things we are looking for in a relationships or just being with you. It's only women who spend there time looking at others people's socks, shoes, skrit, hair style, personality, etc...etc...

Ladies, YOU ARE FINE!... Stop reading Vouge, Cosmo, Ladies' Home Journal, and every other magazine that claims to know the Male Psyche. Knowing a Man is simple: He him want he needs. Usually it's basics, Food, Sex, Sleep, and maybe something else that varies with the man.

Two Quotes sum it up:

From Dave Chappelle ( From his Stand up act) : How to make a man Happy: Suck his D***, Play with his Balls, fix him a Sandwich, and Don't talk so Damn much.

From Rosanne Barr: (from her TV show) When asked how she was going to get her TV husband in a better mood before telling him thier kids had wrecked the car. She reponded " I don't have time to get him licquor-up, have sex with him and make him smores..."


As crude as these two comments are there is a grain of truth.

Deep Truth # 1:

My God watches over me in ways I can not fathom or understand.

Deep Truth #7

You are responsible for your own happiness. You must choose to be happy and content. A blissful existence is made up of choices.

People, Things, Places, Drugs and Money can not make you happy. They may relief loneiness or depressions for a time, but in the end it is you alone who has to make the choice to move toward bliss. I understand there is true misery and evil in the world, most of it by human origin. I not talking about that. (Although there are some people in the world who idea of happiness is making someone's else life miserable. That is evil.)


One must stop making choices that work against their journey toward BLISS, or learn to live with the choices without dwelling on the pain.

If you like fishing and choose to build your home near a river. Don't be surprise when the spring floods come. If fishing puts you into a blissful state then be happy with your home. Don't fret over the choice you made. Be happy that you had a home to begin with that let you experience the river every other day.

Choosing Bliss does not mean a life free of pain, injury or sacrifice. Especially if the choice brings you to a higher state of being happy with oneself. Childbirth is painful, but the bliss from having children can outweigh the pain.

More on this at a later time....

Deep Truth # 6

Women have alot of power in relationships. It may be untapped but it's is still there.

Women don't ask men out for two reason. (IMHO) 1. The Guy May say "YES": Then what will I do!
2. The guy might say "NO": Then what will I do!

I don't understand women at all.

My daughter is the only women I actually have a hope of understanding and making sense of.

When she loves me, she hugs me and smiles.

When she wants something, she hugs, smiles and say, "Daddy....."

When she is mad at me, she draws pictures of me as a monster with the caption " I hate you", and then throws the wadded up papper with the picture at me.

At 5, I could read her like a book. At 6, she less transparent. When she turns seven my Rossata Stone will be gone.

I love her and her first three boyfriends I'll have to kill under general principle.


My Mom I don't get at all.

My Wife I don't get either, but for a whole different set of reasons. When she talks I listen but it upset her because I haven't said anything and how can I really know her if we don't communicate. WHen I ask her what's wrong, she says nothing becasue "You just don't understand".

My Mistress, if I had one, I wouldn't get because "It's not about the sex"

My female friends I don't get either. They complain that the nice guys are all gone, but when there are nice guys around they talk to the thugs. The bad boys treat them like crap and they cry on my shoulder and ask..."WHy doesn't he call me??" However the won't give the nice guys the time of day.

Which bring me to DT#6

Deep Truth #5 : All Women Want Attention. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN ALL WOMEN WANT ATTENTION FROM YOU! Women only want attention form people they deem important to them.

Case in Point: Spring

This season it's thongs and hiphugger. WHY WEAR ANYTHING AT ALL?

The young ladies here on campus are being notice by the young men, but freak when the old coots ( over 30 ) look in their general direction.

Last year it was body jewelry.

Late 1990s it was Tatoos

Early 1990s it was Short skorts

Late 1980s it was tanlines

Early 1980's it was terry cloth shorts

I figure by 2030 it will be a couple spashes of body paint

Ok ...before I start ranting about the women in my life...


Try theses distractions


The Crimson Room

Or

Insaniquarium

I pick up a paper last night, to read a story on Internet Privacy. I found this Dear Abby Column. It just proves it's not just me and you should take Abby's ADVICE! HECK YA!

From Dear Abby Dated March 15, 2004


DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jeff," is 35 and I'm 41. We've been married 10 years.
Jeff is an excellent provider. He spends quality time with the children and will do anything I ask.

I have only one problem. Every gift occasion -- anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's Day or birthday -- Jeff buys me an outfit I consider trashy. His most recent gift was a black leather miniskirt and bustier, black mesh stockings and thigh-high boots. When I asked Jeff where he expected me to wear that stuff, he said, "On a date with me -- or in our bedroom."

Is it healthy for Jeff to have those fantasies? -- NOT A SLUT IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR NOT: Oui, oui, Madame -- as long as the fantasies include you!

A REPOST FROM MY OTHER BLOG


Monday Jan. 26, 2004
6:29:26 AM CST
Feeling: Loopy
Hearing: Craid David - Can't Be Messing 'round

Spend Time with Your Woman

Guys Spend Time with your WOMEN!

For you lucky enough to have a woman who will tolerant your existence, Do the following: Spend some time with her.

Let me Tell you a Deep Truth!

Your Wife, girlfriend, mistress, significant other, or women you occasionaly have sex with want you to notice them and spend time with them. THIS NEXT POINT IS IMPORTANT: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU ARE DOING - ALL YOUR LADY KNOWS IS THAT YOU AREN"T SPENDING TIME WITH HER!

It doesn't matter that you are saving lives by doing open heart surgery on third world orphans. If you aren't around to hold her on Friday Night ( or any other day of the week) you are going to hear about it! All she knows is you ARE NOT Spending time with HER!

You Could be saving the Planet from certain DOOM ( Ebola, Alien Invasion, Earthquake, or the Apocalypse) ALL SHE KNEW IS SOMETHING IS TAKING YOU AWAY FROM HER!

Think about that next poker night, when you are wondering if you should go home or play another hand with the boys. ( or Playing Video Games --- "I'll be up dear, just let me clear this one level of ZOMBIES FROM HELL". )




5:44:56 AM CST
Feeling: Frustrated
Hearing: My Town by Montgomery Gentry

Playing Monopoly


I love my son! It also apprears he has Luck in buckets, the complete opposite of me. I hate any game that relies on good die rolling. He hit every payday in Chance and Community Chest. I hit every Tax and Pay Card in Chance and Community Chance. Went to jail 3 times, Paid income taxes twice, Didn't land on a single railroad or utilites: All in 5 trips around the board. I hit the Free parking bonus once, but IT WAS ALL MY MONEY ANYWAY!

Go Figure! Anything I do that is really important to me that relies on luck I fail miserably. ONLY STICK TO GAMES OF PURE SKILL and LITTLE LUCK. Unless their are ways to stacks the odds in your favor.