Life By the Number

HR: 58
BP: 128/80
A1c: 6.2
Office Wt: 250
Home Wt: 247

You know all the crap you hear about wieght lose?  Take this pill! Use this system!  Eat this special food! Lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks!

All of that is horseshit!  You know the best way to lose weight diet and exercise.  Stop eating crap.  Get 8 hours of sleep.  Do Thrity minutes of vigorous exercise every day. ( Mastrubating to pornography doesn't count!)

All that stuff you mom told you about eating your veggies and not to drink some much soda pop really works.  Get over the fact you had a bad gym experience, when the class bully snapped your jock strap or pulled down your short exposing your raging hard on while you watched the girls in Coed swim class.  (Not that I dwell on that!  Although I am quite proud of the shocked looks I got. )

For those few readers I have left  paying attention,  my numbers are fan-fucking-tastic.  Six months ago I was at 6.8 for my A1c.   Try to think of your red blood cells as doughnut.  The A1c is a percentage of sugar covering the outside of the red blood cell, like the sugar on a doughnut.  Normal range is 4.8-5.9% , like a plain cake doughnut that a couple of sprinkles.  (Aside: If the red blood cell have too much sugar on their surface they can stick together just like real doughnuts.  Which lead to kidney damage, heart damage, blindness, loss of limbs, and death).  At 6.2% my donuts are lightly glazed. At 15.6% your doughnut have been through the Krispy Kreme Sugar Waterfall, dipped in chocolate, covered in rainbow sprinkles, then covered with doughnut crumbles.  Your blood has the consistency of pancake batter and it is only a matter of time before your heart explodes.

I have been working hard over the past two year to actually lose the weight.  A fat black guy walking through Wal-mart just seems a stereotypical at this point. (Aside: I get more looks from women theses day.  Evidently when you weigh 250 and everyone else is 350+  you look pretty damn sexy in some women's eyes)  I haven't weighed 250 since 1999.

How did I do this?  Little changes and small steps.  I can't gaurantee this will work for you but it worked for me so far.

1. A little willpower doesn't mean saying no to every piece of cake or twinkie.  It does mean not eating after 8 pm.  Realizing you don't need that bag of chips while you play video games.  Think before you eat.  Are you eating to cover something else?  Sometimes having an honest look at yourself is the hardest part.

2. Cut out all diet soda pop and artificial sweetener, anything with the claim of zero calories because sugar substitute are not your friend.   Artificial sweeteners trick the body into thinking it has sugar to burn.  When it can't find the energy your body craves more food.  All that fake sugar screws up your sense of taste as well.  Try cutting out all the fake sugar you have for two weeks then eat an apple, grapes or another piece of fruit.  (Really you should try this.  It shocked the hell out of me.)

3. Get some exercise everyday.  Start slow and let your body adjust.  When I started TKD I thought I was going to die, after six month it was wasn't that bad.  Sweat is your friend.  After my knee injury I had to start slow again and work up to what I do now:  35 minutes fast climb on a stepper, 1965 feet ascent.  (Aside: Since writing and editing I have upped to 40 minutes and now climb 2240 feet.)  I start with 15 minutes on the lowest difficulty and I thought I was going to die.  Every time my body got used to the work load I increased the time by 5 minutes or increase the stepper level.  It's about every two months or so.

4. Cut out the fast food.  Getting rid of the Burger, fries and pop can do wonders. Maybe having Fast Food once a month is a good goal to work toward.  Not all fast food is created equal.  A sub sandwich with unsweetened ice tea and no chips is better than double cheeseburger, large fries and a coke.  Packing a lunch will save you a bit of cash too.

5. Eating regularly breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Watch your portions You don't need as much food as you think you do.  The restaurants are lying to you.  No one needs a 16 oz steak.

6. Drink lots of water, Unsweetened iced tea, or plain coffee.  (Not any of that Iced Coffee with Whipped cream crap).  Maybe once a week I have a can (12oz - 355ml) of regular soda, but that is a rare special treat.  I think cutting out the diet and sugar drinks have helped me a great deal.  You would be surprise how many calories you down everyday in your drinks.

7. Weight yourself everyday and keep track of what is going on.  Your weight from day to day may change by 3 to 5 pounds.  There may seems to be no reason for it, but it happens.  I have stuffed myself and the next day I've been of the scale and it reads 2 pounds lighter.  Other days I barley had anything and gain 3 pounds.  This is normal.  As you body loses fat and gains muscle you may gain some weight.  If you are well hydrated one day and thirsty the next day, that can show up in your weight too.   Track your weight everyday, but look at the trend downward over the months.  

8. All of this will take time.  I can't help you if you want to lose 10 pounds in 10 days.  You didn't wake up 300 pounds one day.  You grew that way over time, it's going to take some time to lose the weight as well.  Be realistic.  Do not give up trying just because you can not  lose five pounds the that day.

9. You will slip.  Binge on a pizza.  Eat too much cake. You'll gain 5 pounds in a week on vacation that took you a good month and a half to lose.  Don't give up.  Get back on the horse.  rome was not built in a day and neither is a slimmer you.

Meditation on Exercise

Working on my stepper gives me time to think. Really stepping is golified hamster wheel, except your house is your cage.  I watch a lot of anime.  The television helps distract me. It keep me from realizing how boring it is running on the hamster wheel.   However every now and then a thought comes to me.  The same thing happens to me during swimming.  The mind turns in on itself and start to put random thoughts together in new and interesting patterns.

All exercise can be broken into three part: Future, Present, and Past

The Future

The first third of your workout,  whether or not the time is ten minutes or an hour.  Anything you do is just burning the random energy in your body at that moment. It's like adding a few minutes on to your life at some point 20 years into the future if you get there.  Is just enough exercise to justify that jelly doughnut, or three Girl Scout cookies with your morning coffee.  It the lie we tell ourselves that we are doing something good.  Cut through the boredom... Keep going...

The Present

The middle third is when you are truly doing something for yourself. The time spent here goes into heart, muscle, and lung.  The making of the future you that can really enjoy those extra minites you may have given yourself in the first third when you decide to exercise.  This the time you lose yourself and in a trance you continue on...

The Past

The last third is where the really work can begin.  This is the time where you work on the deep past, not last night, or a week ago.  It the time five years ago  that your body remembers the  three extra hot dog you wolfed down at that 4th of July cookout. or that time you had the pound of potatoe oles' and six tacos by yourself because you were "celebrating".  This last bit is always the hardest, because your bored, tired and maybe hurting.  Think of it as feeling the pain you inflected on your body during drinking that shamrock shake, that you really didn't need.

 After every session of stepping there has never been a time when I have felt worse for exercising.  I have always felt better.

Wisdom Passed Down

Last week was the High Priestess Birthday.  The birthday was one of the big ones that ends in ZERO.  Which leads me into my next thought and a piece of wisdom from my father that I have found true: 

"When gifting for a man, get him something indestructible.  When gifting for a woman, give her something ephemeral."

My Kids and Pornography

When I was a kid.  (Read horny younger teenage.)  I stumbled across one of my father's Playboys.  When I mean stumbled across, I mean after picking the lock to his office door, find the  secret panel behind the old tax records, underneath his loaded .45, next to the hip flask of Jack Daniels.  Really, what's a kid to do when there are pictures of naked women right out in the open like that.

I remember spending hours just staring at Miss July and her wonderful curvedness.  One picture could keep me occupy for days.  Sex seemed to be in my every waking thought.

When cable TV showed up I swore I would never leave the house.  Before HBO was on 24 hours a day and was in desperate need of content, HBO relied on filler material.  In between the movies, there was Aerobicise.  Arobicise was a filler show of 5 -20 minutes of circa 1982 women doing exercise on a rotating dias with dance porn music in the background.  I pretty damn sure no women were watching that  segment.  You can see a sample you tube video here: Aerobicise Black Thongs

My point?  I worked try hard as a kid to just see a hint of skin and sex.  These days a simple web search  turns up more sex, naked people and porn they you no what to do with.  To my kids this means NOTHING!

When I first became a father I panicked and start porn proofing the house: Porn filters on the routers, cut the cable, and hide the porn.  I even made web portal pages for my kids.  Each child had their own starting page with kids safe links.  I made sure the kids were always supervised on the computer.   By the time the oldest two were in high school, the had earned enough money to buy their own computers.

Once again I panic,  I had visions of all my kids locked in their rooms in a nonstop iron festival.   Turns out they could care less.  My main problem was ending their addiction to World of Warcraft.  My youngest spends her time on tumblr.   I've checking my tracking software and router traffic:  Nothing.  No Porn. Not even a blip.  I know my web kung fu is NOT that good.  I keep asking myself why?

Then the reason hit me.  Familiarity breeds contempt.

If you want to see women (or Men) with bananas in their butts, all you have to do is do a web search and HUNDREDS of webpages, photo, audio, drawings, and movies show up.  Maybe what has happen is all the questions my kids have ever  or things they wanted to see had have been answer and seen in one day.  The reason why the young don't hang out in smutland is because they have seen it all and have become jaded.  Porn does not  have any appeal because they can find it whenever they want.

Of Course, I could be wrong.  So just to be on the safe side I'll keep hiding my Jello Midgets Asses boxed set of 25 dvds.

Stuff My Kids Tell Me: McGangbang

When I work at McDonald's as a teenager there was a trick you could do on you grill orders.  A grill order is a special order on a hamburger or cheeseburger: Hold the Mustard, No Onions, Extra Pickles, etc.  The trick was to order a Big Mac with quarter pound patties instead of the normal 10 to 1 (10 patties to a pound of ground beef) hamburger patties.  There were two ways you could do it:  Order a double quarter pounder and have the "cooks" dress it like a Big Mac, or order the Big mac with the quarter pound meat.  Sometime the people at the cash register refused because they could not figure out how to punch the order in, and you would have a lot of explaining to do.  The old veterans at MickeyDs usually got what you meant.

Now with the dollar menu and the rising cost of the pre made combos, the creative cheap college student or hungry high schooler does something different: McGangBang (Sometimes called: the Bird Bomb, Mc Churger, or Mc Tasty)

A Mc GangBang is a McChicken inside a McDouble.  The purist will just order the two sandwiches and pull the McDouble apart at the patties.  Then place the McChicken in between the two halves. It's now a three decker sandwich.  I don't think you can order this put together, but you can order the two sandwich yourself.  Technowiz just pulls the chicken patty out and places it somewhere in the McDouble.  He says it's tasty.

If you want to have the triple bypass surgery you can go for the Land, Sea and Air sandwich.  Once again you need to ask a veteran at McDonald's.  As the name implies: A hamburger patty, A fillet-o-fish patty, and a chicken patty.  You can get this as an order without having to order three separate sandwiches and putting them together.

This is what passing for cooking and fine cuisine for my kids.  I think my heart is going to explode.

Digital Life at the Dentist

Time for the semiannual cleaning and picking at the local dentist.  This time the dental hygienist has something new up her sleeve.  An Xray sensor that plugs into the USB port of her computer.  Now all my X-rays and files are digital and the whole office is going paperless. Truly amazing times in which we live.  I still remember those little piece of film you had to hold in your mouth.  Yeah, I'm old.

Notice that little bump on the tooth in the lower left half of the image?  That little place is the bane of my existence.   A lump of plaque that builds up behind my teeth.  Normally there would be a third molar there, but I had my wisdom teeth take out long ago.  That spot is a pain in the ass to reach with a toothbrush and flossing is near impossible.  I try.  If I didn't that lump would be the size of Texas.  So this is the place the Dental Hygienist works on.

Normally, I'm pretty calm when getting my teeth worked on, but when the normal pick doesn't do the job my dental nazi brings out the big gun.  She uses an ultrasonic pick that lubricates itself with water.  It feels like a high speed drill and makes the same sound as a metal lathe.  That high pitch squeal of of crunching glass marble, fingernails on chalkboards and steel knife on an iron plate.  It hurts like hell: a hot needle dipped in heroin melted by a beatnik junkie on a friday night.  So, I'm off to my happy place.

My happy place is imagining my dental hygenist as a leather bound goddess from Helga's house of pain.  There are about four places she has to get to, so as she cleans my teeth she starts losing clothes and wearing more leather and lace.  The ultrasonic pick hits my back molar: POW!

She is wearing calf-high big black boots with 6 inch spiked heels.  Fishnet stockings go all the way up to her black garter belt, that peaks out from underneath the leather miniskirt that covers her ample round ass.  Her corset is black wet latex is two size too small so hear breasts heave with every breath she takes.  Her nipples just barely peak out of the corset…

"Ah Sir, are you ok?" My dental hygienist leans in front of the bright examination light.

("I'll Never Tell you the nuclear launch codes! You Nazi Bitch!"  I try really hard not to squeeze my dental hygienist ass with my closest free hand.) I nod

("We have ways of making you talk" She has a bad german accent and I'll be damn if  her breasts didn't  go up two cup sizes.)

"Just few more minutes and we will be done." She smiles at me.  I can taste blood in my mouth.  My gums bleed very easy.  The daily aspirin I take doesn't help, because the tiniest prick bleeds like crazy.

("Not talking, eh" She slaps me across the mouth and I taste blood.  She wheels in a cart piled high with whips, paddle, dildos, sex toys, a tub of Crisco, and a bucket of KY jelly.)

"Just one more place and we can finish up with polishing", she says.

("You will soon scream for me you American Yankee lapdog of the midwest!" She bend me over a wooden sawhorse and produce the biggest vibrating butt plug I've ever seen in my life!)

The Daydream shatters in a fit of laughter.  The dental hygienist quickly takes eight fingers, the ultrasonic pick and the suction hose out of mouth.  "ARE You Choking!"  She is frantic.  I'm laughing my ass off with tears rolling down my cheeks.  I can't keep a straight face for the rest of the appointment.

As I leave with my bag of dental goodies: Toothbrush, Dental floss, and a sample of toothpaste, I hear.

"Funny, most of the patient hate the ultrasonic pick."

Cooking with Bananas

I have one of those cravings that I have once every five years or so: Banana Fritter   My mom made these all the time.  I decided to give it a try.  The first recipe required mashed bananas.  The fritters came out awful.  They were like fried donut holes without even a hint of banana flavor.  They just had those strange brown and black line you have with anything that has bananas: Pancakes, muffins, bread, etc..

So I call my Mom and ask her for the recipes she used for banana fritters.  This is what she sent me:

Banana Fritters:

1 Cup Flour 

1 Teaspoon Baking Powder

1/2 Teaspoon salt

1 Whole Egg

1 Cup Milk

1/2 Cup Oil

1. Mix flour, salt, egg, milk and oil into large mixing bowl.  Whisk into a light batter.

2. Cut and quarter 3 - 5 bananas lengthwise to form pieces that are 2 to 3 inches (5 - 8 cm)  in length.

3. Coat the prepared bananas with flour before dipping into batter.

4. With tongs or fork, dip the banana pieces into batter and allow excess batter to drip off into bowl

5. Fry in oil (Canola)  at 375°F (185-190 C°) degrees until a golden brown. Drain on a paper towel.

6.  Sprinkle with powered sugar and serve warm.

Notes: This batter makes enough to coat a bunch of bananas (6 to 10).  Watch the oil carefully.  It's really easy to burn the fritters.  You can serve brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, or maple syrup with your fritters as well.

Welcome to the Christmas Food Induced Coma Dream

So it's after Christmas.  All the presents have been opened.  Christmas dinner is now just a memory and several stepper sessions into the future.  I have stuffed myself with every cookie, cake, pies, sweet, and baked good in the house.  Time for bed.

In dreamland I meet this Zaftig Redheaded Goddess.  We do everything I ever thought of doing with a woman and several other things that are illegal in 23 states. Just before I wake up she tells me she is a piano teacher.  Then I am siting at upright piano playing Chopin.

Only thing I figured out is my subconscious Id was having too much fun and my better nature needed to get him out of the gutter with some semblance of culture.

I'm such a fine peice of ass below the waist!

If am using a piece of exercise equipment and it breaks, does that mean I'm exercing enough to wear it out?

I mentioned for the past year I've been using a stepper to help control my diabetes.  It's working.  The exercise is doing wonders for my legs.  However, last fall I broke a cable in the machine, and couldn't use it for a couple of weeks.

My stepper is secondhand from a local sporting goods store. I've had it for over three or four years, but haven't really used it seriously until the last year.  The stepper has to be at least 10 years old and has seen better days.  You can't even find new steppers.  They have fallen out of fashion.  So I knew the day was coming.  Something would break and I would have to fix it or find something else to do for exercise.  Tonight the other cable broke.

It's always something.  I already have to talk myself into exercising each day.  I don't need any more obstacles or excuses to keep me back.  I was doing TKD at the university  until they changed the rules.  The new regulations added a degree of difficulty and extra expenses which made the MWF routine untenable.  Then it was swimming at the local rec center. Swimming was great but changes in my class schedule made it more difficult to stick with a routine.   Although, I do miss the ladies in the whirlpool afterwards.  (I'm quite the stud with the AARP group in the morning.)   So having a cable break in stepper is just one more thing.  F*CK!

Thank God for Sportsmith.  After searching for replacement parts online I found Sportsmith.  I should have order a second cable in the fall after the first break, but I was too cheap.  However, after paying ten dollars in shipping I should have added a second spare cable to my order.  This time I ordered three cables.   By God, I'm gonna ride this machine until it fall into dust!

When Did That Go Out Of Fashion?

So the High Priestess and I are doing some end of the year cleaning: Recycling old magazine, getting things together to donate, and going through the closets. 

The High Preistess is pulling out item she hasn't worn in years: sweaters, blouses, pants, dresses and skirts.  I love skirts and dresses on women, but then she tells me that current fashion is bare shaved legs without stockings or nylons.  WTF.  THP works in an office, when did stocking go out of fashion?!?  Even in winter?  This just seems to me another moving target of fashion that women can not hope to match.  Unless you are young and have the legs of a dancer, and happen only to be in the perfect skin population, please cover your gams up. 

Doesn't seem fair does it?  Women have been wearing stocking for centuries, and now they are no longer in fashion?  Maybe it's just an Iowa City thing  or it could be a self image thing.  I notice several women I've worked with get quite upset when the new crop of younger students show up each semester.  Really!?!  Why even bother comparing yourself to them?  Find what works for you and stick with it.  I have notice women are harder on themselves and each other than any sane man. 

At my current age, I'm just happy to be in any room with women wearing whatever:  stocking or no stocking, tanned, pale like cream or black as the darkest night, shaved or unshaved.  Just give me confident women any day of the week. That's sexy.  I'm sure most men would I agree when me.

Loss of a Starship gaining a TARDIS

It's Spring Break  2012 and I've off to retrieve Technotaz form Iowa State.  It's about 4 PM and I'm in Grinnel, IA.  Taco John is close so I go there. (Aside: In reality Taco John is about three miles or more from the I80 highway.  Seriously, your resteraunt should not be allow to have a blue high way information sign for an exit unless your place is right on the exit ramp, 500 yards tops!  None of this Exit 123 for Hardees, and when you take the off ramp another sign directs you to drive 5 miles to downtown Mule Knuckle for the only Hardee's in the county.)

I get my food and start to make my way to the highway.  The road out of Grinnel is a 4 lane street.  Two lanes coming into town and two lanes leaving town.  I'm the the right hand lane heading for a red traffic light.  I stop and I'm the first car in the lane.  Next to me in the left lane is a plain white deliviery truck.     the traffic light is a simple three color light with no turning lane lights.  The light turns green. The truck makes a left hand turn and I go forward.  A red SUV truns right in front of me!  Just like the white truck she turn from the opposing left hand lane.  WTF!  Just because the light is green does not give you the right of way unless the traffic is clear.  I slam on my brakes and the Red SUV's bumper plows right into the hood of my cars.   The collision takes the SUV through my grill, radiator, hybrid drive system and into the engine block.  Any faster and the SUV could have killed me! 

My Car is dead in the intersection with a pool of lime green coolant froming under the front end.  Just like a blood of blood froming under a murder victim in a cheesy cop TV  drama.   I am just pissed.  I just put a trailer hitch on my Honda so I could haul my bikes around to different trails in the Midwest.  I seems to have bad luck with trailer hitches and vehicle life.  Six month I put a trailer hitch on the Dodge minivan, my dad buys a RAV4 and trades their old Toyota minivan for our older minivan.  Our older minivan gets donated to charity and goodbye to the $200 it took to put the trailer hitch on the Dodge minivan.  Fine...Fine ...Fine  The Toyota Minivan has heated seats and a sunroof, so it's ok.  I still feel like i threw $200 away.    So in the summer of 2011 , I bite the bullet and fix some thing bugging me with my Honda Hybrid.

I replace the stereo, so car radio now has a USB jack for my ipod and I buy a new trailer hitch.  I'm now out about $700.   I'm staring at my dead Hybrid.   I know the car is dead becuase the cops asked me to try and start it.  The cops are giving my the stink eye as well.  I bet they are wondering if I'm going to freak out and start doing lines of coke of something.  The Red SUV is parked on a side street.  The SUV looks pristine from were I am telling my story to the cops.  Another set of law enforcemnet officers are talking to the other driver.  She is an 82 year old grandmother!  She's in tears cry her soul and telling the cops it's her fault.  Evidently she did not see me from her seat of the RED TANK she was driving.  The police call her family.

Her son and some assortment of young adult grandchildren show up.  They comfort and take her home.  SHE GETS TO LEAVE THE SCENE!  The cops are looking at me, with the same look you get from a four year old when offer him some candy, but instead give him and apple.  You can tell they want to charge someone, but the old lady (Bless Her Heart!) already admitted fault.  I'm free to go.

Long story short.  I spend my spring break filling out paperwork and looking for a new car. 

I settle on a blue box....

Now I just have to decide if I risk the cure and put a trailer hitch on my Prius for my bike carrier.

Education for Massnet: Why Americans (and Humans) Need Math

I was at the local Firestone dealership getting my tires rotated and balanced.  This process once took quite some time, but with modern tools it takes just a few minutes.  What happens if the person reading the computer printout is a complete and total idiot?

Mechanic:  Sir, your wheels need to be adjusted.  the reading on your car say your wheel are out of spec.  It's point fifteen  (0.15).  That's really bad.  I'm surprised you can drive at all.  (He hands me the printout on a sheet of paper.)

I look at the sheet of paper and notice the acceptable range to be point one (0.1) to point two (0.2).

Me: Wait a minute! How is zero point one five greater than point two?

Mechanic:  It's fifteen sir, that's obviously greater than two.

Me: No, It's not!  It's right in the middle.  (I check the other ranges, and they are fine.)

Mechanic: I can get this done to point one.

Right then I have images flash through my mind of him realigning my tires over and over again.  The Machine taking hours, because reading of 0.11, 0.14, and 0.19 are all greater than 0.2.

Me: That's fine just give me my car.

Bottom Line

Math is for everyone.  Period.  Math should be taught in every grade K-12.  K-3 should be drilling with math facts, number, set theory, additions tables, subtraction table, multiplication table, and division table. Remember those 100 question speed quizzes?  One hundred math question in 10 minutes.  1+3 =? 9+7=?  10/2 =?,  4*8 =? Drill. Drill. Drill.  Yeah, it was a pain, but it increases computation speed and helps with all the higher math as well.  256 *16 = ?  Yeah, there are these things call calculators and computer, but if you don't know the basic how do you even know your calculator is giving the right answer?  Drilling and flash cards really work.

Obviously, this will not help our friend the mechanic.  He should have learned decimal and factions in the 4th or 5th grade.  I sure he was one of those kids who said, "Why do I need to know this?" (Because you are going to mess up someone car and they will die in a horrible car accident!)

Why I read Playboy

Yeah, I gonna say it, even if it is a cliche´.  I read Playboy for the articles.  Actually, I read the cartoons first, then the articles: Twenty Questions, Essays, Columns, Interviews, and small stuff: Party Jokes, Advisor (Things that make me laugh).   I do the same thing with the newspaper.  Cartoons first then the news.

I don't really pay attention to the women, unless it's someone unusual.  Melissa Gilbert (from Little House on the Prairie) comes to mind.  I like my women a little thicker, more Zaftig than fake boobs and flat butt.

I can say this for all advertising, porn, or women batting their eyes at me trying to get my attention through sex.  For me, sex only works if there is truly a chance I'm going to laid.   I live in the real world and so does my friend and his two sidekicks.  As attractive as these women might be, the fact is I will never see them in person, nor have any distant hope of having sex with them.  I have a better chance of an alien showing up at the college and teaching me how to build an FTL drive.  (Which would be AWESOME!)

Now the woman across the street, in the grocery store, or at the local Stop-n-Rob.  That's a different story.  Any given day there is 10 - 90% one of these real women will want to take me home and bang my brains out!   That's what does it for me! It took me 25 years to figure this out.  I'm sure my college days would have been a lot less frustrating if I knew then , what I know now.

I like the interviews over the past couple of years: Patton Oswalt, Idris Elba, Steve Buscemi, etc

I also like the article on current events: Somali Pirates, Cyber Crime, Drug Smuggling, etc.  A lot of really cool stuff once you get past the half naked women.

Stuff My Kids Say

So, I'm picking up Technowitch from high school.  Which I enjoy, now that I'm 48.  When I was 38, I always thought it was a pain in the ass.  Time changes everyone.  Any way.

My daughters is bugging me you "Buy her Food".  Evidently eating at 10:30 AM for first lunch makes you very hungry at 3 PM.    Our Conversation goes something like this;

TW: Dad, Buy me Food.

Me: Nope ( I'm driving )

TW: Take me to Wendy's.  Buy me food.

Me: I'll tell you what.  I have a one dollar, you can get something at Wendy's with that.

TW: I can't get anything!  There's tax.

Me: Fine a buck and a quarter.

TW:  All the dollar hamburgers suck!

Me: Fine, we have Hot Dogs at home.

TW: Noooooo!  I hate hot dogs!

Me: No, You don't.  I've see you eat them many times.

TW:  That's only in the summer, when you grill them.

Me: So?

TW:  In the winter you boil them on the stove and they come out like boiled limp penises.

Me.  (Laughing.) Wow!  Alright you win!

TW:  So, buy me food?!?

She wins, and I buy her two pieces of pizza at the HyVee.

Boiled Limp Penises,  I'm not going to be eating Hot Dogs for a while.

Life by the Numbers

Once again time to get the oil check.  This time my checkup is before what I called the Season of Food.  The time starting with Thanksgiving and runs until Valentine's Day.  It also happens to be the time Egg Nog is freely available in the Grocery store.  Everywhere you turn someone is trying to push something down your gullet: Thanksgiving, Christmas Parties, Work Banquets, End of the Year Functions, New Years, Super Bowl, My Birthday.  All I can say is THANK GOD for my Stepper, Exercise, and Modern Pharmaceuticals.

A1c :   6.8 (Down from 6.9)  Yippie!

BP: 128/80 (Was 122/80) 

Res: 16 (16)

HR: 62 (Was 80, I don't think the nurse can count.)

Cholesterol: 133  HDL: 34  LDL: 87  TRI: 60 

Bonus:  I lost 2 pounds, but I think It's just me pulling my keys, phone, wallet, pocketknife, and other crap out of my pockets before I step on the scale.

However, I have notice dropping two pants sizes.  My pants now keep slipping from my waist to my knees if I am not careful.   I must say I'm a fine piece of ass from the waist below,  but now it looks like I have a beer gut.   Tummy fat is always the last to go.

Toys for Smarter Kids

As I close this semester of teaching college this year I would like to share something I have notice in the past ten years.  I see more and more young adult that lack spacial skill, imagination, creativity, inquisitiveness, and basic background knowledge of the physical world around them.

My students seem to be disconnected with the world around them.  They have never climbed a tree, played in a sandbox, watched bugs, played tag, gone fishing, or just been a kid away from a computer screen.  I'm sure they did some of this as young children under the age of five, but do they remember what they learn doing these activities?   I think not.  Kids really need to experience the physical world and remember it.  Build up that spacial knowledge and muscle memory they will take with them into college and science classes.   They need more experience in the physical domain between the ages of 5-15, in stead of just the digital domain.  Some of this should be in gym class and school activities but that is another post.  This post is about toys every kid should have.  List This has no particular order and is gender neutral.  Some toys are expensive, other are less than a dollar.

1) Silly Putty - Teaches creativity, deformation of solids, states of matter, momentum, collisions and patience.  Silly Putty is a great toy and cheap too.  You can find it around Christmas time in Wal-mart or other large Stuff-mart.  You can roll it into a ball, bounce it, stretch it, mold it, press it on newsprint and change the picture.  If your child has the patience you can watch it flow when it's warm, because it is an amorphous solid.  That particular trick you may need to have your child mold a shape then set it down for a couple of hour while the child does something else: Nap, Snack, Computer time, etc.  You can make this go a little faster if you set the silly putty in a sunny warm spot.

Most parent shy away from Silly Putty because it's a bitch to clean up if it gets stuck in carpet, hair, or the family pet.  For clean up, treat like bubble gum: freeze it and it will shatter when struck.  Pick up the piece, set in a warm place and it will flow back together.

For extra fun, try kneading in iron powder or iron filings.  Your new metallic grey silly putty will be magnetic.

2) Wood blocks - Teaches Construction, physics, statics, architecture, and spurs creativity and imagination.   Building something bridges , houses, fort, and palaces. Build stuff and knock it down, and repeat.  You can say this about any construction toy: K'nex, Legos, Lincoln Logs, mega Blocks, Erector sets...  However I'm a purist and wooden blocks are a good starting set for young kids.   Wood blocks can take a lot of punishment as well and will be around for a long time.  The other sets work well when the child get older starting around 6 or 8.  K'nex and Legos require more dexterity than wood blocks but the build patience as well as bigger, taller structures.

3) Magnifying Glass - Teaches exploration, observation, and optics.  Leads to understanding the physical and biological world: Botany, Biology and Chemistry.  True, you spend a lot looking at stuff, but a kid five minutes and she'll start burning dead leaves, and ants.  This can be a precursor to a microscope gift but don't push it.  Let the child run around a bit.  She'll ask for a microscope if she is really interested.  This goes for telescopes as well.  No kid wants a telescope unless he asks for one, or you live in a crowded city with lots high rises nearby.  Then the child get an education in biology.

4) Electric Train, or Slot Cars, or RC Vehicles - Teaches electricity, mechanics, physics, and self reliance.  The big plus on all of these toys is that they breakdown.  The train jumps the track, Slot cars need to be cleaned, RC vehicles usually need small repairs after crashing into something.  The toys are great when they work, but the best part is fixing them when they break.  Just the act of resetting the train on the track, or making sure the motor still works in a car, gives kids skill in problem solving, manipulation, and fixing things.  Added plus the transformer is great fun for applying electricity to other things: Plants, spiders, ants, metal object, plastic toys, the list goes on.

5) A deck of Playing cards teaches strategy, interpersonal relationship, game theory, numbers, math, combinations, dexterity (Shuffling) winning and losing.  A deck of cards can also be used in construction as well: a house of cards .  You should play card games with your kids.  War, Old Maid, Fish, Poker, 21 and crazy 8 all teach math and strategy.  Added Plus:  you can build houses of card and shoot them part with rubber bands.

6) Gyroscope - Teaches physics, angular momentum, mechanics, balance and equilibrium.  A top will do, but you can do all kinds of tricks with a Gyroscope that teach the above topics better.  Gyroscope, flywheels, wheels are used in the modern world.  These are usually found in the stocking stuffer aisle around Christmas time and are usually 5 to 10 dollars.  If you can find the metal version great, but the plastic ones will work too.

7) A push button pen - Teaches mechanics, problem solving, energy, and springs.  Yeah, it sounds weird, but a click pen with lots of pieces is great for teaching problem solving and the joys of springs.  Yes, you can use it for writing but it makes a great tool and plaything.  You can take it apart and put it back together.  Stretch the spring and see how far you can shoot the pen top or filler.  If you put the pieces together wrong it doesn't work, but it doesn't have to be put together the same way it came from the story.

New Series! Education For the Massnet

Alright, I'm starting a new series.  Not quite sure of the name, so I'm stuck with Education for the Massnet.  I'm not really trying to teach you anything, But I've been teaching for 25 years and I think I have a few ideas and something to say on the matter.

Sometime I truly weep for the future of the world, at least in Iowa.  Knowledge is a fragile thing that must be passed on.   Many seem to take that for granted.  I will use this series to expound and disseminate my ideas on teaching.  I also account some of the more assuming stories that have piled up over the years in the classroom.  Some stories are funny, others weird and others downright creepy.

Ask a Black Man Anything

The other day I'm sitting around with my D&D (Dungeons and Dragons) groups, and a question comes up about raising kids to be diverse.  More specifically what to do when your white kid screams out "Oh Daddy, look a black man, woman, kid, family, etc".  The direct quote was something like "Oh Daddy, I like black people there skin is sooooo  pretty."  It was on of those things kids blurt out at the age of four or five.   A comment that comes out before their social software kicks in in their brain.

The blurting is a little uncomfortable for everyone involved, parent, surrounding people and the subject of the blurt, but at least the blurt is not a racist comment, or "I'm Rick James, BITCH!)  Maybe what is really called for is letting your child experience more diversity, beyond what your child see on the internet, TV, Movies, and other media.  True Diversity goes beyond let your kids play or interact with other kids at school, playground or public library.  Otherwise the kids just thinks of diversity as something you encounter if you go someplace specific.  The concept of other races becomes just something out of the ordinary and not really part of the child's reality.  Race will always be a novelty, not the true color of the world.

True diversity mean your children need to experience different races in the home and personal interactions.  Diversity means having truly close friends that have a racial makeup other than your own. So much so that the race becomes invisible and your know the individual as a person.  You need to move beyond: "I know a guy who is gay", "I have a black friend.", "I've dated a few Asian".   Your view needs to move toward: "I know Jessica, she's my best friend. She paints and likes crappy Sci-Fi movies."  The view should be so general that the person develops an image inside their own head that build an image of their own.  When confronted with "Jessica"  the is a moment of "OH".  If you have to mention the race or gender in your description then your have not achieved race or gender neutrality.

This is a hard concept.  I even struggle with it.  If I see an attractive woman.  Am I attracted because of her or her race?  When someone describe a friend I'm going to meet do I fill in a race based on stereotypes or am I open to seeing whoever.

How do I get my kids to be more diverse.? Of Course, if your kid is saying stuff like "Oh Daddy, Why are all theses people burned, or so short, or dark, etc"  You have a serious problem and you need to get out of Lily White America."  Take your kids and hang out in a city with a population of 250,000 plus, or the nearest Large State College.

Now if your children are not complete closet case and have seen some diverse people.  You need to take the next step:  having your kids makes true friends with other diverse kids.  This mean making playdate, and not just random encounters and the park.  (Aside:  As with everything you need to make sure the parents and kids are somewhat normal and sane.  As you would for any other group of people you would let your kids hang out with.  No Danger. No Drama. Non-serial Killers or Sexual Predators.  Use some common sense folks) ) Assuming the people pass the "I am a Human Being" test, then your can proceed.  Visit each others houses.  Set up birthday parties.  Offer to watch the diverse parents kids, when the parents need a couple of hours to shop.  Join the same boy/girls scout troops.  If everything clicks, then offer a sleepover.  Then have your kids sleepover at their place too.   This let's the kids experience a home life hopefully a little different than what they familiar with.

This may or may not work.  Diversity comes with effort, and maybe heartache.  You may never know how this will really turn out, but that's the excitement of living a life.

(Aside: Yeah I'm a 48 year-old black man and I play Dungeon and Dragon.  So does Vin Diesel, so Fuck You!) 

The iPhone 5s

I've been waiting for this for a long awhile.  I expected long lines at the store.  I expected them to be sold out of the model I wanted.  I expected to have to wait for a month while everything is backorder.

I DID NOT expected the BUTTFUCKING I got from Verizon Wireless However.

I've been saving my Upgrade discount for over six month.  I been trying to match my two renewal plan with Apples projected release dates of their phone products.  My renewal date was in May.  I've been saving my pennies and watching the tech news on all the iPhone rumors.  So I waiting past the Opening Day on Friday, because that's always a madhouse and any first run of production of any high tech device has bugs.  

Monday night I walk into My Verizon store and wait for 20 minutes until I can see someone about order a new phone.  I've got cash and expect everything to be cool.  Between my discount, my trade-in iPhone 4 and cash I should have more than enough for a top of the line iPhone 5s.   Then the bitch shows up with spiked heels and the biggest black dildo I have every seen in my life!

Me:  I'd like a Black 64GB iPhones 5s.

The Bitch:  I'm sorry those are out of stock until Mid-October. (Please bend over)

Me: I expected that. It's Ok.  I'd like to use my upgrade too.

The Bitch: (Pouting) Ohhh.  Well let's look up your number and plan.

I rattle off some numbers.......

The Bitch:  I see you have unlimited data on your line.  (She starts lubing the dildo.)  Unfortunately, to use your upgrade you must change your plan to 2GB per month.  Verizon is no longer grandfathering any unlimited data plans.

Me:  WTF! (Aside: In everyone part of the world cell data is unlimited, and Wifi is pretty much everywhere.  It's only in the US the the Free Internet cost and arm and a leg.   BTW - I just thought about this If I upgraded in May to a iPhone 5 would Verizon still want to Fuck my ASS with the new data plan?  Or is this some Corporate bonehead idea because the new iPhones are out) Fair Warning: Can You tell I'm a Little Pissed?  I feel like punching someone!)

The Bitch: You can have your phone at $399 with upgrade discount and  the new dat plan or ....
(She bends me over and starts...)

The Bitch:  You can pay the full price of the phone $850 and keep your old plan month to month and not be in a contract.  (Now the Hard fucking Begin!)

Me: (Internal Monologue - WTF!  It only takes about $180 to make an iPhone!  I'm sure this BITCH would love to get me into a 2GB data plan then charge me up the ass for going over my data.  I'm going to have this phone for at least 3 years.  Who knows what cool stuff will happen then that will eat up my data.  I imagine sending and receive Chinese food transport as data through my phone!  My 2 dollar egg rolls now cost $50 because each egg roll use 10 Terabytes of data.  FUCK YOU LADY!   FUCK YOU VERIZON!)  I grumble.  I'll pay the full price.  (BY GOD I'M GONNA STREAM PANDORA EVERYDAY AND WATCH STREAMING PRON FROM THAILAND EVERY NIGHT!  JUST TO CRASH YOUR NETWORK!)

The Bitch:  Ok Sign here.  Would like the Protection Plan for an extra $10 a month?  (OH YOU LIKE THAT....  WHO A MAMA'S BOY?  YES YOU ARE!  SQUEAL LITTLE PIGGY!)

Me: NO!

The Bitch: Ok.  Your iPhone should be ready in a Month (Awwwww,  Don't pout...I'm not using my fist you silly boy!)

Zucchini: The Demon Plant 

So the garden is growing like gang busters. The four zucchini plants are produce more than I could have imagined. Then looked so small when i planted them, I was worried i might not have enough. Someone should have smacked me upside the head. Next year I will stick with just 2 or three plants. I have more than enough. So what does one do when one has enough Zucchini to make 27 loaves of zucchini bread. Good Question.

Spaghetti Sauce Of Course!  If You shred the Zucchini using a fine grate the Zucchini just disappears into a nice set of tomatoes to make a great spaghetti sauce.  The shredded zucchini adds a lot of volume and moisture to the sauce so you my have to cook the sauce down a bit if you thick sauce.

Here is the most common recipes I use.  I just add the Zucchini right at the beginning.  I can usually hide 2-3 12 inch zucchini this way and no one is the wiser.   I like having this sauce with some Italian  or French bread and a couple of Italian Sausages.  I suppose this same recipes could be turned into a great vegetable soup as well (This is a repost of a recipe I posted a couple of summers ago.)

Homemade Tomato Sauce I

Ready In: 4 Hours 30 Minutes

Servings: 6

Ingredients:
10 ripe tomatoes
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons butter
1 onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
2 carrots, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil
1/4 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1/4 cup Burgundy wine
1 bay leaf
2 stalks celery
2 tablespoons tomato paste

Directions:

1. Bring a pot of water to a boil. Have ready a large bowl of iced water. Plunge whole tomatoes in boiling water until skin starts to peel, 1 minute. Remove with slotted spoon and place in ice bath. Let rest until cool enough to handle, then remove peel and squeeze out seeds. Chop 8 tomatoes and puree in blender or food processor. Chop remaining two tomatoes and set aside.

2. In a large pot or Dutch oven over medium heat, cook onion, bell pepper, carrot and garlic in oil and butter until onion starts to soften, 5 minutes. Pour in pureed tomatoes. Stir in chopped tomato, basil, Italian seasoning and wine. Place bay leaf and whole celery stalks in pot. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low, cover and simmer 2 hours. Stir in tomato paste and simmer an additional 2 hours. Discard bay leaf and celery and serve.