Queer eye from the Straight Guy

Earlier today, while getting for church, my wife ask if her open toe sandals went with her dress. I glanced over and without much hesitation I relied, "The sandal are ok, but that color in nail polish on your toes doesn't quite go with the colors in your dress."

Oh My God! What was I thinking?!? I've just burned my manhood card, and become gay or at least metrosexual!

I immediately need to restore my manhood by humping my wife, burping and farting as loud as I can. Then following this behavior with some loud grunts and scratching of my balls. Later tonight I may need to put on some high quality porn. Something like Calothic Schoolgirl Slumber Party 23. (An Aside: Porn is the only medium I know of where you can make 22 sequels for the same thing and have people not complain that the director has lost his vision.)

But wait ... My journey to the dark side is just beginning. I'm at church listening to my pastor (Minister, Preacher, Father..whatever). I noticed his stole is 8 inches short on the left than the right. It bugs me. The stole has images every 12 inches and they don't line up. It makes the stole look that much out of whack. Ok...It really bugs. Church is over, I leave, shake the pastors hand, grab his stole and fix it! He laughs and mentions a lot of women do that too.

LORD! Stop me before I start talking about window treatments.