My Kids and Pornography

When I was a kid.  (Read horny younger teenage.)  I stumbled across one of my father's Playboys.  When I mean stumbled across, I mean after picking the lock to his office door, find the  secret panel behind the old tax records, underneath his loaded .45, next to the hip flask of Jack Daniels.  Really, what's a kid to do when there are pictures of naked women right out in the open like that.

I remember spending hours just staring at Miss July and her wonderful curvedness.  One picture could keep me occupy for days.  Sex seemed to be in my every waking thought.

When cable TV showed up I swore I would never leave the house.  Before HBO was on 24 hours a day and was in desperate need of content, HBO relied on filler material.  In between the movies, there was Aerobicise.  Arobicise was a filler show of 5 -20 minutes of circa 1982 women doing exercise on a rotating dias with dance porn music in the background.  I pretty damn sure no women were watching that  segment.  You can see a sample you tube video here: Aerobicise Black Thongs

My point?  I worked try hard as a kid to just see a hint of skin and sex.  These days a simple web search  turns up more sex, naked people and porn they you no what to do with.  To my kids this means NOTHING!

When I first became a father I panicked and start porn proofing the house: Porn filters on the routers, cut the cable, and hide the porn.  I even made web portal pages for my kids.  Each child had their own starting page with kids safe links.  I made sure the kids were always supervised on the computer.   By the time the oldest two were in high school, the had earned enough money to buy their own computers.

Once again I panic,  I had visions of all my kids locked in their rooms in a nonstop iron festival.   Turns out they could care less.  My main problem was ending their addiction to World of Warcraft.  My youngest spends her time on tumblr.   I've checking my tracking software and router traffic:  Nothing.  No Porn. Not even a blip.  I know my web kung fu is NOT that good.  I keep asking myself why?

Then the reason hit me.  Familiarity breeds contempt.

If you want to see women (or Men) with bananas in their butts, all you have to do is do a web search and HUNDREDS of webpages, photo, audio, drawings, and movies show up.  Maybe what has happen is all the questions my kids have ever  or things they wanted to see had have been answer and seen in one day.  The reason why the young don't hang out in smutland is because they have seen it all and have become jaded.  Porn does not  have any appeal because they can find it whenever they want.

Of Course, I could be wrong.  So just to be on the safe side I'll keep hiding my Jello Midgets Asses boxed set of 25 dvds.

Digital Life at the Dentist

Time for the semiannual cleaning and picking at the local dentist.  This time the dental hygienist has something new up her sleeve.  An Xray sensor that plugs into the USB port of her computer.  Now all my X-rays and files are digital and the whole office is going paperless. Truly amazing times in which we live.  I still remember those little piece of film you had to hold in your mouth.  Yeah, I'm old.

Notice that little bump on the tooth in the lower left half of the image?  That little place is the bane of my existence.   A lump of plaque that builds up behind my teeth.  Normally there would be a third molar there, but I had my wisdom teeth take out long ago.  That spot is a pain in the ass to reach with a toothbrush and flossing is near impossible.  I try.  If I didn't that lump would be the size of Texas.  So this is the place the Dental Hygienist works on.

Normally, I'm pretty calm when getting my teeth worked on, but when the normal pick doesn't do the job my dental nazi brings out the big gun.  She uses an ultrasonic pick that lubricates itself with water.  It feels like a high speed drill and makes the same sound as a metal lathe.  That high pitch squeal of of crunching glass marble, fingernails on chalkboards and steel knife on an iron plate.  It hurts like hell: a hot needle dipped in heroin melted by a beatnik junkie on a friday night.  So, I'm off to my happy place.

My happy place is imagining my dental hygenist as a leather bound goddess from Helga's house of pain.  There are about four places she has to get to, so as she cleans my teeth she starts losing clothes and wearing more leather and lace.  The ultrasonic pick hits my back molar: POW!

She is wearing calf-high big black boots with 6 inch spiked heels.  Fishnet stockings go all the way up to her black garter belt, that peaks out from underneath the leather miniskirt that covers her ample round ass.  Her corset is black wet latex is two size too small so hear breasts heave with every breath she takes.  Her nipples just barely peak out of the corset…

"Ah Sir, are you ok?" My dental hygienist leans in front of the bright examination light.

("I'll Never Tell you the nuclear launch codes! You Nazi Bitch!"  I try really hard not to squeeze my dental hygienist ass with my closest free hand.) I nod

("We have ways of making you talk" She has a bad german accent and I'll be damn if  her breasts didn't  go up two cup sizes.)

"Just few more minutes and we will be done." She smiles at me.  I can taste blood in my mouth.  My gums bleed very easy.  The daily aspirin I take doesn't help, because the tiniest prick bleeds like crazy.

("Not talking, eh" She slaps me across the mouth and I taste blood.  She wheels in a cart piled high with whips, paddle, dildos, sex toys, a tub of Crisco, and a bucket of KY jelly.)

"Just one more place and we can finish up with polishing", she says.

("You will soon scream for me you American Yankee lapdog of the midwest!" She bend me over a wooden sawhorse and produce the biggest vibrating butt plug I've ever seen in my life!)

The Daydream shatters in a fit of laughter.  The dental hygienist quickly takes eight fingers, the ultrasonic pick and the suction hose out of mouth.  "ARE You Choking!"  She is frantic.  I'm laughing my ass off with tears rolling down my cheeks.  I can't keep a straight face for the rest of the appointment.

As I leave with my bag of dental goodies: Toothbrush, Dental floss, and a sample of toothpaste, I hear.

"Funny, most of the patient hate the ultrasonic pick."

Welcome to the Christmas Food Induced Coma Dream

So it's after Christmas.  All the presents have been opened.  Christmas dinner is now just a memory and several stepper sessions into the future.  I have stuffed myself with every cookie, cake, pies, sweet, and baked good in the house.  Time for bed.

In dreamland I meet this Zaftig Redheaded Goddess.  We do everything I ever thought of doing with a woman and several other things that are illegal in 23 states. Just before I wake up she tells me she is a piano teacher.  Then I am siting at upright piano playing Chopin.

Only thing I figured out is my subconscious Id was having too much fun and my better nature needed to get him out of the gutter with some semblance of culture.

Why I read Playboy

Yeah, I gonna say it, even if it is a cliche´.  I read Playboy for the articles.  Actually, I read the cartoons first, then the articles: Twenty Questions, Essays, Columns, Interviews, and small stuff: Party Jokes, Advisor (Things that make me laugh).   I do the same thing with the newspaper.  Cartoons first then the news.

I don't really pay attention to the women, unless it's someone unusual.  Melissa Gilbert (from Little House on the Prairie) comes to mind.  I like my women a little thicker, more Zaftig than fake boobs and flat butt.

I can say this for all advertising, porn, or women batting their eyes at me trying to get my attention through sex.  For me, sex only works if there is truly a chance I'm going to laid.   I live in the real world and so does my friend and his two sidekicks.  As attractive as these women might be, the fact is I will never see them in person, nor have any distant hope of having sex with them.  I have a better chance of an alien showing up at the college and teaching me how to build an FTL drive.  (Which would be AWESOME!)

Now the woman across the street, in the grocery store, or at the local Stop-n-Rob.  That's a different story.  Any given day there is 10 - 90% one of these real women will want to take me home and bang my brains out!   That's what does it for me! It took me 25 years to figure this out.  I'm sure my college days would have been a lot less frustrating if I knew then , what I know now.

I like the interviews over the past couple of years: Patton Oswalt, Idris Elba, Steve Buscemi, etc

I also like the article on current events: Somali Pirates, Cyber Crime, Drug Smuggling, etc.  A lot of really cool stuff once you get past the half naked women.

Metadata Gone Wild

I have three children, two sons and a daughter.  However, I have discover the Internet Metadata Fairy has blessed me with three extra sons and another daughter.

So last week, when the postman dropped off a coupon pack for Victoria's Secret I assumed it was for the High Priestess or Technowitch.  Nope, evidently my oldest son is a major player.  Ignoring the fact the mailer is a slap across the face of all normal woman. (Insert Body Image Rant here:  She has no curves and looks like she is fifteen.) Why would my oldest son get coupons for bras and underwear?!?! 

He is already just a bag of hormones.  Why throw him a spank material in the mail along with free panties.  That's just a recipes to make him dysfunctional male who treats women like sex objects and kicks puppies in frustration.  This is like thrown raw meat covered in BBQ sauces to a straving grizzly bear.  Why do it?   Who thought this one up?  "Hmmmm... what do we need in our Victoria's Secret store?"   More young adult men, because that's not creepy at all.  Maybe we should start a queue outside the dressing rooms?

Female Body Image and Crotch Space

The latest unattainable goal for women is a "thigh gap".   Someone got it into their head that the only women who is desirable is so thin she has daylight between where her leg join her crotch.  Really!  Who thinks this stuff up?!?!  Certain not any guy I know.  I spend enough time patching up the self esteem of the High Priestess and Technowitch to not have one more thing to worry about.

Ladies, and I can only speak for myself, the last thing on my mind is weather or not you have a thigh gap.  I would still have sex with you, if you gave me half a chance.

I think all of this crap is thought up by a bunch of poeple trying to sell more products to women by convincing them they are not good enough.  Someone comes up with a new crazy concept of beauty and then touts that as the gold standard.   An unreachable star or impossible dream that when it looks as if some women are actually capleable of attaining the new chic, the goal changes to some other feature that you have little or no chance to do something about.  WHY?!?  Do you think a man will not look at you unless you smell right, look right, sound perfect, or wear the right clothes?  Bullshit!

Ladies, hear are some simple truths:

1.  Women are more crictal of each other than men.  Women tend to see all the negative about each other and nitpick.  Men usually just notice the one feature they like and stick with it.  Typically, it's the big three: breast, butt, and race.  And it is NOT all about size either!  Yes, a lot of guys like big breasts but not all.  Some men like big butts, others prefer an apple bottom, or none at all.  For some guys it's all about the race.  I knew a white male doctor who only liked Asian women.  He finally married a nice lady from China.   Ignore the Media, and the other women who say you need to change.

2. American socitey tends to push the young, blond, blue-eyed nymph as the ideal of beuaty and most desirable.  Once again, unless you been given the genes from someplace where it snow 6 months out of the year you are out of luck.  Are not all the traits: Blond and Blue Eyes recessive?  Meaning there are all rare anyway.  I think someone is just fucking with you ladies.  The game is rigged so most of the women out there try and strive for look they can never reach.

3.  If you don't have the one thing a guy wants, move on.  This is the hardest point for women to understand.  If the guy you are interested in has a thing for redheads, then there is not alot you can do about that.  He may not notice you and continue chasing that redhead harlot in the cubicle next to you.  Yes you can dye your hair, but do you rally want to do that for the rest of your life to please him?  Besides, if the man is of any quality he will eventually look past his fetish and see all the other great qualities you have.  (Aside:  If you happen to be a guy who is a controlling turd bucket who talks about your weight all the time, leave him!  He's a douchbag!)

By The Way I'm Mowing My Lawn

I Don't think anyone realizes how fantastic 2013 really is! The only thing missing is a FTL drive and that just might be around the corner.

Remember those little writing pads the crews in Star Trek would walk around with, or bulky clipboard for all you Classic Trek fans? Well I got one, It's an iPad Mini.

Remember when Worf needed a new backbone and they grew one for him? Well, we are now at the point where we can grow kidneys, use cadaver bone for repairs, or regenerate shattered bone.

And those greasy fast computers on the starship?  You can now buy a quantum computer from D-wave.

How Fucking cool is that?!?

Good Thing! we don't have true Holodeck technology, Because that would end the human race.  Do you remember LaForge lost in romance or Lister hanging out with the bad girl in the trashy detective novel?  Maybe it's just me but if you give me a magic box where I could spend all day with (and the List is Long Folks): Handfuls of Movie Starlets, Several Porn Stars, Many High School sweethearts, A Plethora College Crushes, and Too numerous to count Random hot women I've met on the street and who would not give me the time of day!

Yeah go ahead and use your quantum computer for speech recognition, code breaking, and breakthroughs in Astrophysics.  Mine is providing the best 3d, five senses, experience with the women of my dreams and nightmares.  Yes!  I'm 48 and I'm that shallow.

Of Course, the clean up of my personal holosuite is a bit of a chore.

Ok, this may seem a little stalkerish, but thought it was funnier than hell. A little background, this lucky couple pulled out in front me at a four-way stop. It was their turn, so it's all good. They drove the speed limit all the way down Scott Blvd. I was behind them all the way, keeping a safe distance. The State of Iowa really frowns on running over poeple from behind. We were all being good safe drivers.

Then it hit me. What am I staring at? Her Butt!

Ok, I'm a guy, racing toward dirty old man. This was just funny, because I couldn't help but look at her butt.

There's a "BIG RED LIGHT" under, you guessed it, HER BUTT!

There are two people on the motorcycle. The closest body part, you guessed it, HER BUTT!

What the brightest piece of clothing these two are waering, you geussed it, the bright fushia sweats covering HER BUTT!
(The Dark shirt also contrast nicely with the sweats.)

The only words bigger than the lience plate, you guessed it, the "PINK" on HER BUTT!

Satan and God help me, I could not help but spend the next two mile staring at her butt. What is worse it was legal, that's where I was suppose to be looking.


Ladies, please don't give me excuses to look stare, because I will. I am a dog. I'm so going to fry in the afterlife.....

Did you know if you can make a woman orgasm enough she'll become temporary blind? At least that's what John Ringo wrote. Oooookay.. How did I get here? Time jump to mid-October. I started cleaning out the basement, and came across same old games that I use to play: OGRE and GEV. Then I went looking for my old computer game and started rebuilding some of my old Macintoshes. Then I remember I had an Ebook about a huge cybernetic tank by Keith Laumer. An author who is now dead, but several authors at Baen (his publisher) have written several books base on his matertial. That lead me to David Drake, which is one of the co-author of the Hell's Gate series I've been reading ( and he needs to get off his ass and finish the series). After reading some of his Bolo books and find more authors: William Keith Jr. (Whom I have several Battletech books in my library), Linda Evans (The other co-author of the Hell's Gate series. Hey, Linda get off your ass and start writing!), and finally John Ringo ( I cried again after reading "The Road to Damascus"). Now it's December 24th and I'm in Walmart in Clive,IA shopping for stocking stuffers because I forgot the box of stuff I bought already at home in Iowa City. The kids can't go without something, so I'm shopping. Down in the book aisle and I spy a John Ringo novel. OK, I've run through all the Bolo books I can find so I got some time to read. I buy it.

BLAM, BANG, SEX, BOOM, BANG, BANG, SEX, Bondage SEX, BLAM, BANG, BOOM, BANG...roll credits.

DAMN! It's in the middle of a series. I spend December 27th looking for the first two books in Iowa City.

Book #33 - Bolos Book I: Honor of the Regiment Created By Keith Laumer

A collection of Bolo stories with David Drake, Mercedes Lackey, and S.M. Stirling

Book #34 - Bolos Book II: The Unconquerable Created by Keith Laumer

Another collections of short stories with S.M. Stirling, S.N. Lewitt, Shirley Meier, Christopher Stasheff, Karen Wehrstein, Todd Johnson, and William R. Forstchen

Book #35 - Bolos Book III: The Triumphant Created by Keith Laumer

This book is out of print but I got it as an Ebook on Baen website. I read it on my PSP. Does it count if all I have is an electronic copy? Stories by David Weber and Linda Evans.

Book #36 - Bolos Book V : Old Guard Created by Keith Laumer

HA! You thought it was going to be book IV, well that book is out of print. There is an electronic version on the Baen website, but I haven't broken down a bought it yet. Another odd thing, Keith Laumer died in 1993 but all these book are printed around 2001 and beyond. I guess those copyright get a little week after seven years of death. Wanna be famous? Create cool stuff then die, and make sure your will says people can use your creativity for free. Your name will live on, but you will never see it.

Book #37 - Rogue Bolo By Keith Laumer

This book is written by Mr. Laumer in 1986. I had to pick this one up at one of the local used bookstores.

Book #38 - The Road to Damascus By John Ringo and Linda Evans

This is a whole Bolo novel, and it made me cry at the end. I love the part when a 6 years-old stares down Bolo with a pop gun. A scene which makes the cover art of the book. It also touched off the next set of books.

Book #39 - Chooser of the Slain by John Ringo

Guns, Gangs and the Sex Trade. Like I said I picked this one up at Wal-mart. I found books #41 and #42 in the Adult Fiction (Novels)instead of the SciFi section.

Book #40 - Bolo Brigade by William H. Keith, Jr.

I found this book while looking for the John Ringo book listed next.

Book #41 - Ghost by John Ringo

Book #42 - Kildar by John Ringo

I just got these two and I just finished Bolo Brigade tonight, so this is next on the night stand.

A REPOST FROM MY OTHER BLOG


Monday Jan. 26, 2004
6:29:26 AM CST
Feeling: Loopy
Hearing: Craid David - Can't Be Messing 'round

Spend Time with Your Woman

Guys Spend Time with your WOMEN!

For you lucky enough to have a woman who will tolerant your existence, Do the following: Spend some time with her.

Let me Tell you a Deep Truth!

Your Wife, girlfriend, mistress, significant other, or women you occasionaly have sex with want you to notice them and spend time with them. THIS NEXT POINT IS IMPORTANT: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU ARE DOING - ALL YOUR LADY KNOWS IS THAT YOU AREN"T SPENDING TIME WITH HER!

It doesn't matter that you are saving lives by doing open heart surgery on third world orphans. If you aren't around to hold her on Friday Night ( or any other day of the week) you are going to hear about it! All she knows is you ARE NOT Spending time with HER!

You Could be saving the Planet from certain DOOM ( Ebola, Alien Invasion, Earthquake, or the Apocalypse) ALL SHE KNEW IS SOMETHING IS TAKING YOU AWAY FROM HER!

Think about that next poker night, when you are wondering if you should go home or play another hand with the boys. ( or Playing Video Games --- "I'll be up dear, just let me clear this one level of ZOMBIES FROM HELL". )




5:44:56 AM CST
Feeling: Frustrated
Hearing: My Town by Montgomery Gentry

Playing Monopoly


I love my son! It also apprears he has Luck in buckets, the complete opposite of me. I hate any game that relies on good die rolling. He hit every payday in Chance and Community Chest. I hit every Tax and Pay Card in Chance and Community Chance. Went to jail 3 times, Paid income taxes twice, Didn't land on a single railroad or utilites: All in 5 trips around the board. I hit the Free parking bonus once, but IT WAS ALL MY MONEY ANYWAY!

Go Figure! Anything I do that is really important to me that relies on luck I fail miserably. ONLY STICK TO GAMES OF PURE SKILL and LITTLE LUCK. Unless their are ways to stacks the odds in your favor.