My Kids and Pornography

When I was a kid.  (Read horny younger teenage.)  I stumbled across one of my father's Playboys.  When I mean stumbled across, I mean after picking the lock to his office door, find the  secret panel behind the old tax records, underneath his loaded .45, next to the hip flask of Jack Daniels.  Really, what's a kid to do when there are pictures of naked women right out in the open like that.

I remember spending hours just staring at Miss July and her wonderful curvedness.  One picture could keep me occupy for days.  Sex seemed to be in my every waking thought.

When cable TV showed up I swore I would never leave the house.  Before HBO was on 24 hours a day and was in desperate need of content, HBO relied on filler material.  In between the movies, there was Aerobicise.  Arobicise was a filler show of 5 -20 minutes of circa 1982 women doing exercise on a rotating dias with dance porn music in the background.  I pretty damn sure no women were watching that  segment.  You can see a sample you tube video here: Aerobicise Black Thongs

My point?  I worked try hard as a kid to just see a hint of skin and sex.  These days a simple web search  turns up more sex, naked people and porn they you no what to do with.  To my kids this means NOTHING!

When I first became a father I panicked and start porn proofing the house: Porn filters on the routers, cut the cable, and hide the porn.  I even made web portal pages for my kids.  Each child had their own starting page with kids safe links.  I made sure the kids were always supervised on the computer.   By the time the oldest two were in high school, the had earned enough money to buy their own computers.

Once again I panic,  I had visions of all my kids locked in their rooms in a nonstop iron festival.   Turns out they could care less.  My main problem was ending their addiction to World of Warcraft.  My youngest spends her time on tumblr.   I've checking my tracking software and router traffic:  Nothing.  No Porn. Not even a blip.  I know my web kung fu is NOT that good.  I keep asking myself why?

Then the reason hit me.  Familiarity breeds contempt.

If you want to see women (or Men) with bananas in their butts, all you have to do is do a web search and HUNDREDS of webpages, photo, audio, drawings, and movies show up.  Maybe what has happen is all the questions my kids have ever  or things they wanted to see had have been answer and seen in one day.  The reason why the young don't hang out in smutland is because they have seen it all and have become jaded.  Porn does not  have any appeal because they can find it whenever they want.

Of Course, I could be wrong.  So just to be on the safe side I'll keep hiding my Jello Midgets Asses boxed set of 25 dvds.

Stuff My Kids Tell Me: McGangbang

When I work at McDonald's as a teenager there was a trick you could do on you grill orders.  A grill order is a special order on a hamburger or cheeseburger: Hold the Mustard, No Onions, Extra Pickles, etc.  The trick was to order a Big Mac with quarter pound patties instead of the normal 10 to 1 (10 patties to a pound of ground beef) hamburger patties.  There were two ways you could do it:  Order a double quarter pounder and have the "cooks" dress it like a Big Mac, or order the Big mac with the quarter pound meat.  Sometime the people at the cash register refused because they could not figure out how to punch the order in, and you would have a lot of explaining to do.  The old veterans at MickeyDs usually got what you meant.

Now with the dollar menu and the rising cost of the pre made combos, the creative cheap college student or hungry high schooler does something different: McGangBang (Sometimes called: the Bird Bomb, Mc Churger, or Mc Tasty)

A Mc GangBang is a McChicken inside a McDouble.  The purist will just order the two sandwiches and pull the McDouble apart at the patties.  Then place the McChicken in between the two halves. It's now a three decker sandwich.  I don't think you can order this put together, but you can order the two sandwich yourself.  Technowiz just pulls the chicken patty out and places it somewhere in the McDouble.  He says it's tasty.

If you want to have the triple bypass surgery you can go for the Land, Sea and Air sandwich.  Once again you need to ask a veteran at McDonald's.  As the name implies: A hamburger patty, A fillet-o-fish patty, and a chicken patty.  You can get this as an order without having to order three separate sandwiches and putting them together.

This is what passing for cooking and fine cuisine for my kids.  I think my heart is going to explode.

Stuff My Kids Say

So, I'm picking up Technowitch from high school.  Which I enjoy, now that I'm 48.  When I was 38, I always thought it was a pain in the ass.  Time changes everyone.  Any way.

My daughters is bugging me you "Buy her Food".  Evidently eating at 10:30 AM for first lunch makes you very hungry at 3 PM.    Our Conversation goes something like this;

TW: Dad, Buy me Food.

Me: Nope ( I'm driving )

TW: Take me to Wendy's.  Buy me food.

Me: I'll tell you what.  I have a one dollar, you can get something at Wendy's with that.

TW: I can't get anything!  There's tax.

Me: Fine a buck and a quarter.

TW:  All the dollar hamburgers suck!

Me: Fine, we have Hot Dogs at home.

TW: Noooooo!  I hate hot dogs!

Me: No, You don't.  I've see you eat them many times.

TW:  That's only in the summer, when you grill them.

Me: So?

TW:  In the winter you boil them on the stove and they come out like boiled limp penises.

Me.  (Laughing.) Wow!  Alright you win!

TW:  So, buy me food?!?

She wins, and I buy her two pieces of pizza at the HyVee.

Boiled Limp Penises,  I'm not going to be eating Hot Dogs for a while.

Toys for Smarter Kids

As I close this semester of teaching college this year I would like to share something I have notice in the past ten years.  I see more and more young adult that lack spacial skill, imagination, creativity, inquisitiveness, and basic background knowledge of the physical world around them.

My students seem to be disconnected with the world around them.  They have never climbed a tree, played in a sandbox, watched bugs, played tag, gone fishing, or just been a kid away from a computer screen.  I'm sure they did some of this as young children under the age of five, but do they remember what they learn doing these activities?   I think not.  Kids really need to experience the physical world and remember it.  Build up that spacial knowledge and muscle memory they will take with them into college and science classes.   They need more experience in the physical domain between the ages of 5-15, in stead of just the digital domain.  Some of this should be in gym class and school activities but that is another post.  This post is about toys every kid should have.  List This has no particular order and is gender neutral.  Some toys are expensive, other are less than a dollar.

1) Silly Putty - Teaches creativity, deformation of solids, states of matter, momentum, collisions and patience.  Silly Putty is a great toy and cheap too.  You can find it around Christmas time in Wal-mart or other large Stuff-mart.  You can roll it into a ball, bounce it, stretch it, mold it, press it on newsprint and change the picture.  If your child has the patience you can watch it flow when it's warm, because it is an amorphous solid.  That particular trick you may need to have your child mold a shape then set it down for a couple of hour while the child does something else: Nap, Snack, Computer time, etc.  You can make this go a little faster if you set the silly putty in a sunny warm spot.

Most parent shy away from Silly Putty because it's a bitch to clean up if it gets stuck in carpet, hair, or the family pet.  For clean up, treat like bubble gum: freeze it and it will shatter when struck.  Pick up the piece, set in a warm place and it will flow back together.

For extra fun, try kneading in iron powder or iron filings.  Your new metallic grey silly putty will be magnetic.

2) Wood blocks - Teaches Construction, physics, statics, architecture, and spurs creativity and imagination.   Building something bridges , houses, fort, and palaces. Build stuff and knock it down, and repeat.  You can say this about any construction toy: K'nex, Legos, Lincoln Logs, mega Blocks, Erector sets...  However I'm a purist and wooden blocks are a good starting set for young kids.   Wood blocks can take a lot of punishment as well and will be around for a long time.  The other sets work well when the child get older starting around 6 or 8.  K'nex and Legos require more dexterity than wood blocks but the build patience as well as bigger, taller structures.

3) Magnifying Glass - Teaches exploration, observation, and optics.  Leads to understanding the physical and biological world: Botany, Biology and Chemistry.  True, you spend a lot looking at stuff, but a kid five minutes and she'll start burning dead leaves, and ants.  This can be a precursor to a microscope gift but don't push it.  Let the child run around a bit.  She'll ask for a microscope if she is really interested.  This goes for telescopes as well.  No kid wants a telescope unless he asks for one, or you live in a crowded city with lots high rises nearby.  Then the child get an education in biology.

4) Electric Train, or Slot Cars, or RC Vehicles - Teaches electricity, mechanics, physics, and self reliance.  The big plus on all of these toys is that they breakdown.  The train jumps the track, Slot cars need to be cleaned, RC vehicles usually need small repairs after crashing into something.  The toys are great when they work, but the best part is fixing them when they break.  Just the act of resetting the train on the track, or making sure the motor still works in a car, gives kids skill in problem solving, manipulation, and fixing things.  Added plus the transformer is great fun for applying electricity to other things: Plants, spiders, ants, metal object, plastic toys, the list goes on.

5) A deck of Playing cards teaches strategy, interpersonal relationship, game theory, numbers, math, combinations, dexterity (Shuffling) winning and losing.  A deck of cards can also be used in construction as well: a house of cards .  You should play card games with your kids.  War, Old Maid, Fish, Poker, 21 and crazy 8 all teach math and strategy.  Added Plus:  you can build houses of card and shoot them part with rubber bands.

6) Gyroscope - Teaches physics, angular momentum, mechanics, balance and equilibrium.  A top will do, but you can do all kinds of tricks with a Gyroscope that teach the above topics better.  Gyroscope, flywheels, wheels are used in the modern world.  These are usually found in the stocking stuffer aisle around Christmas time and are usually 5 to 10 dollars.  If you can find the metal version great, but the plastic ones will work too.

7) A push button pen - Teaches mechanics, problem solving, energy, and springs.  Yeah, it sounds weird, but a click pen with lots of pieces is great for teaching problem solving and the joys of springs.  Yes, you can use it for writing but it makes a great tool and plaything.  You can take it apart and put it back together.  Stretch the spring and see how far you can shoot the pen top or filler.  If you put the pieces together wrong it doesn't work, but it doesn't have to be put together the same way it came from the story.

Ask a Black Man Anything

The other day I'm sitting around with my D&D (Dungeons and Dragons) groups, and a question comes up about raising kids to be diverse.  More specifically what to do when your white kid screams out "Oh Daddy, look a black man, woman, kid, family, etc".  The direct quote was something like "Oh Daddy, I like black people there skin is sooooo  pretty."  It was on of those things kids blurt out at the age of four or five.   A comment that comes out before their social software kicks in in their brain.

The blurting is a little uncomfortable for everyone involved, parent, surrounding people and the subject of the blurt, but at least the blurt is not a racist comment, or "I'm Rick James, BITCH!)  Maybe what is really called for is letting your child experience more diversity, beyond what your child see on the internet, TV, Movies, and other media.  True Diversity goes beyond let your kids play or interact with other kids at school, playground or public library.  Otherwise the kids just thinks of diversity as something you encounter if you go someplace specific.  The concept of other races becomes just something out of the ordinary and not really part of the child's reality.  Race will always be a novelty, not the true color of the world.

True diversity mean your children need to experience different races in the home and personal interactions.  Diversity means having truly close friends that have a racial makeup other than your own. So much so that the race becomes invisible and your know the individual as a person.  You need to move beyond: "I know a guy who is gay", "I have a black friend.", "I've dated a few Asian".   Your view needs to move toward: "I know Jessica, she's my best friend. She paints and likes crappy Sci-Fi movies."  The view should be so general that the person develops an image inside their own head that build an image of their own.  When confronted with "Jessica"  the is a moment of "OH".  If you have to mention the race or gender in your description then your have not achieved race or gender neutrality.

This is a hard concept.  I even struggle with it.  If I see an attractive woman.  Am I attracted because of her or her race?  When someone describe a friend I'm going to meet do I fill in a race based on stereotypes or am I open to seeing whoever.

How do I get my kids to be more diverse.? Of Course, if your kid is saying stuff like "Oh Daddy, Why are all theses people burned, or so short, or dark, etc"  You have a serious problem and you need to get out of Lily White America."  Take your kids and hang out in a city with a population of 250,000 plus, or the nearest Large State College.

Now if your children are not complete closet case and have seen some diverse people.  You need to take the next step:  having your kids makes true friends with other diverse kids.  This mean making playdate, and not just random encounters and the park.  (Aside:  As with everything you need to make sure the parents and kids are somewhat normal and sane.  As you would for any other group of people you would let your kids hang out with.  No Danger. No Drama. Non-serial Killers or Sexual Predators.  Use some common sense folks) ) Assuming the people pass the "I am a Human Being" test, then your can proceed.  Visit each others houses.  Set up birthday parties.  Offer to watch the diverse parents kids, when the parents need a couple of hours to shop.  Join the same boy/girls scout troops.  If everything clicks, then offer a sleepover.  Then have your kids sleepover at their place too.   This let's the kids experience a home life hopefully a little different than what they familiar with.

This may or may not work.  Diversity comes with effort, and maybe heartache.  You may never know how this will really turn out, but that's the excitement of living a life.

(Aside: Yeah I'm a 48 year-old black man and I play Dungeon and Dragon.  So does Vin Diesel, so Fuck You!) 

Metadata Gone Wild

I have three children, two sons and a daughter.  However, I have discover the Internet Metadata Fairy has blessed me with three extra sons and another daughter.

So last week, when the postman dropped off a coupon pack for Victoria's Secret I assumed it was for the High Priestess or Technowitch.  Nope, evidently my oldest son is a major player.  Ignoring the fact the mailer is a slap across the face of all normal woman. (Insert Body Image Rant here:  She has no curves and looks like she is fifteen.) Why would my oldest son get coupons for bras and underwear?!?! 

He is already just a bag of hormones.  Why throw him a spank material in the mail along with free panties.  That's just a recipes to make him dysfunctional male who treats women like sex objects and kicks puppies in frustration.  This is like thrown raw meat covered in BBQ sauces to a straving grizzly bear.  Why do it?   Who thought this one up?  "Hmmmm... what do we need in our Victoria's Secret store?"   More young adult men, because that's not creepy at all.  Maybe we should start a queue outside the dressing rooms?

The High Preistess was riding Technowiz pretty hard to finish his high school homework. His assignment was writing a US senator about an issue he was concerned about. After an hour of bugging, Technowiz, finally snapped and just wrote down something to get "MOM" off his back. This is what he came up with:

Dear Senator Grassley,

My name is Technowiz. I am 14 and live in Iowa City.
I think that the war in Iraq has gone on long enough and that we should pull out our troops before anymore of them die, We should nuke the whole country. BOOM! I'm pretty sure they 'd be more than happy to share their oil then. :)

Thnx, sincerely urs
TECHNOWIZ

After the high Priestess blew a gasket, Technowiz wrote a letter to Chuck Grassely about his concerns on Ethanol.

I always try to watch what my kids are doing online. Every once in awhile something slipped past the RADAR. Technowitch came up with this site that has a dress up memory game. She loves games where you can play dolls on the computer. The game is mostly harmless, but that bunny gives me a woody and that's messed up. I don't know how she got there, but it can't be through the main site. She probably stumble on the site or got it from a friend at school. Actually the game is kind of fun in a mindless sort of way. Snowbuni Closet Chaos



This next bit comes from my sons and it's just funny. Makes me wonder how I ever got through study hall in high school without the internet.

RUN...FLEE...HIDE
The streets are no longer safe as Technowiz passes his written driving test and can now drive on the streets of Iowa (with a parent). Technotaz needs to pass his test so he can start learning road rage too.

It can all be taken away: Part II

Last night while I was writing my last post the Black walnut tree in my backyard lost a major part of itself. The tree has always been in danger of toppling. It's just the nature of the Black Walnut species when the trees gets old. Last week I notice a main branch split and rotting. Yesterday a different limb came down. It looks like the whole tree will need to be taken down. I won't miss picking up the hundreds of Black Walnuts, but I will miss the shade. I wish there was some way to save the wood and make a desk out of it. Black Walnut wood is highly prized for furniture.

In a moment it can all be taken away from you.
The high Priestess and I were packing Friday to make our yearly pilgrimage to the family reunion. We tell teh kids to get ready. One of them close the door to the bathroom and start the water. The water stops. After ten minutes we hear nothing in the bathroom and assume Technotaz has finished with his shower. But Taz is downstairs with Technowiz having breakfast. The High Priestess calls for Technowitch, but she doesn't answer. The Priestess figures she is just busy and calls again. No answer. She knock on the bathroom door. No answer. She tries the door. It is lock. We try to make sure the kids have some privacy and TW has taken to locking the door so her older brother don't bother her. The bathroom door has a flaw that if you stand in just the right place you can see between the door and the door frame. The Priestess peers into the bathroom and can see TW's legs in the bathtub. She pounds on the door and scream TW's name. The legs do not move. TW is in a full bathtub and is not moving. I grab a paper clip to trip the lock. I'm sure it is nothing, but I have a small knot in my stomach as I find TW in the tub not moving, her eyes closed and her head barely above water. I Reach down and grab her arm and jerk her from a prone position to standing. The movement is so violent I pull the muscles in my arm and throw out my shoulder out of whack. I scream at her. "TW you were asleep!" She flatly denies it as she shake the sleep from her eyes. I go on and on about not taking a bath when tried, locking the bathroom door, and all the bad things that could have happened. TW looks defiant. I know she think I'm just yelling at her because I am the biggest meanie. The High Priestess rushes in and hugs TW like there is no tomorrow. The priestess cries and wails about her sad thoughts. She tell TW how worried she was and how much TW means to us. TW starts to cry... She says she is sorry.

It is amazing any of us reach our teen years...

(OK I'LL RANT NOW. TW WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING FALLING ASLEEP IN THE BATHTUB!)

It's 4:30 Friday morning, back in the corner of my mind I hear: "Mommmm Uurrrgh Splat" It's the sound of a garden hose emptyiny followed by the splash sound of a bukcet full of water hit a floor or a spot on the lawn. No matter how I describe it, I can't do it justice. Try this fill a glass with water, close you eyes, then trun it suddenly upside down over a concrete floor. That's the sound of Kiddicus Vomitius. The sick child I know so well. I'm up in a karate stand ready to start the day. This beats any alarm or clock radio. The only great thing about being a Dad at this point, the kids always go to mom when they feel sick. So it's on her side of the bed. THANK YOU LORD!

Looks like no school for Technowitch! The High Priestess is up cleaning the impact site. Looks like she has lost two set of black shoes. Which kind of works out because she now has an excuse to go buy some new ones. I go get the Steam Vac my parents gave us as an anniversary gift one year. THANKS MOM and DAD! I mean that, a great gift is one that is a used gift.

I had plans to work on my online course, and get something done, while the high priestess and the kids go see the Grandparents. All that is trashed. I spend the weekend with TW alone, while the rest leave for the Grands.

It's not so bad. TW recovers. We see a Movie. I read to her before bedtime and get to watch her sleep. I didn't get a damn thing done, but I'm sure TW will remember this time as father daughter bonding.

Technowitch in the News!

TW gets her pictures taken so often, I begin to wonder why. TW is seen here jumping rope for the American Heart Association. She loves doing these kind of things.

My Son the Pool Shark

Technowitch started swimming lesson this week. This means I spend a lot of time at the public recreation center. While I wait for TW not to drown, I spend the time playing pool with Technotaz. I really have to work to beat him now. Evidently, he has been spending his time after school play pool before he comes home. He is really good. TZ hardly takes any time lining up his shots. It’s really scary. At times it just seems his is playing slop pool, not thinking at all. Then two balls sink in one shot. Once a day is luck. The fact that he does it consistently means something else is going on. I’m sure he lets me win now. Bastard! ☺

Actually, this is quite good. Tz needs to make his own way. A son should exceed his father somehow. All the things the High Priestess and I have tried to get Tz interested in life have fallen short. It seems to me he want to do things that he thinks no one in our family does. He wants to be unique. Don’t we all.

Yesterday was lunch with Technowitch Day. It was Hot Dog and Chicken Sandwiches today. It was a hoot, but why eat at 11:15 am. She has only been at school for two hours! I realize how many kids there are in most school and the need to get them through the lunch line as fast as they can. That way the bullies have time to beat up a few kids before the end of lunch recess. Your breakfast barely has time to get out of your stomach before it is replace with a soggy bun and something that passes for cheese. Really! Of course, TW doesn’t seem to mind, because she was with her friends. They spent so much time talking I don’t see how the food disappeared off their plates and down their gullet’s. Now, I didn’t spend all my time throwing macaroni and cheese at my daughter’s friends, I talked with her and met some of her classmates as well. Some Other thoughts did cross my mind however.

First the mix of kids is a lot more diverse, than when I went to school. This is good because when I was in school I was the only black kid, unless the Packers were in town for the season. The lunchroom was pretty quiet, no fight. Come to think of it maybe that’s why the lunch break is so short. Let’s not give the kids time to fight, carry on or raise a ruckus.

Some other thoughts come to me. How can anyone blow up kids? I’m sitting here in a sea of kids. The only things on the kid’s minds are eating, playing, and how they hate their art teacher. How can you justify blowing up kids in playground? How can you justify harming kids in any way?

Second thought: What happened to the good thermoses? TW has a plastic thermos that is lined with Styrofoam. It doesn’t keep anything cold for more than an hour. Who wants to drink tepid milk? My thermo was a glass vacuum jar and it worked just fine. Of course, you couldn’t whack the school bully on the head with it otherwise you would have a cold cup of milk laced with glass shards. Yummy! Maybe the thermoses are made that way today because of the glass milkshake from the days of yore. I bet it is just because the Dairy Producers want kids to buy their milk at school.

Yeah, my mind was wandering while I watch TW eat. She wants me to come again.