Hello Dolly! – Or Why I Play Matchmaker

Why do I try to set up my friends? It’s simple. Have you looked at the trailer trash scatted across this great country of ours? There are stupid people out there using their personal freedoms to pop out kids like a PEZ dispenser on crack. I like to think of my matchmaking as my own personal eugenics programs. This is my gift to the future and the human race by trying to keep the gene pool out of the toilet and IQ’s out of the single digit territory.

I know some many really decent people and the thought just comes to me, “Why aren’t you having kids?!?” Now I’m not in favor of anyone having kids if they don’t really want them, but I do wish the best for all those lonely people who want a family.

I also play matchmaker because I can’t stand the taste some of my friends have in women, men or bovines. I just feel I have to save them. “Why the hell are you going out with him?!?! He’s the Antichrist! He treats you like dirt! He’ll never commit! And he kicks puppies when you’re not looking.” Of course I really try not to say that kind of thing out loud.

My friends tell me that they are looking for true love and chemistry. Horseshit! That feeling you get is a chain reaction of chemicals that fade within a few weeks. Of course if you have sex with the person that can last much longer, but it’s a charade. It’s Mother Nature pulling the wool over your eyes to get you to hang together for a bit while you carry on the species. That’s not love. It’s not quite Lust either, but we don’t have time today to talk about that. Lust is a whole another post.


What is Love? Love is handing your wife’s hand when you may not see her again as she is wheeled into he delivery room. Love is when you want to do something nice for a person just because they have had a bad day. Love is rocking your baby to sleep when she has had a bad dream, when what you really want to do is roll over and go back to bed. Love is cleaning up bodily fluids out of the carpet at 2 AM, because someone just had to have the jumbo burrito of death from Taco Joe’s Grease Pit of Botulism. Love is sitting with you mate while you count each other gray hairs and how many teeth have fallen out in the past week. Anyone can love when they are young and the world is new, but the test is when you realize you are in a cold uncaring universe and the only thing that gives warmth is the existence of someone who cares about you.

I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.