Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Iowa State Fair 2006

We are all going to die. Americans will expire not through force of arms, the greenhouse effect nor HIV/AIDS. We will eat ourselves to death. I’m standing in line at the Deep Fried Twinkie stand behind an 8 year old who has to be 150 pounds and as wide as he is tall. He orders a Deep Fried Snickers Bar (Yes, you can do that.) and a large Pepsi. He pays his six dollars and waddles off. I look around I see my follow Iowans as eating machines and we all are getting F*#@&! HUGE. The only people not that way are Teenager girls who I suspects have been starving themselves a week before coming to the State Fair. I can’t see how anyone can eat this stuff and not turn into a walking ad for Fat Slim’s Big and Tall shop.

All that being said, I was quite good this year. Packing lots of water I made my pilgrimage to the land of foods on a stick and consumed; 1 pork chop on a stick (Very Good), 5 bites of Turkey leg (on it’s own built in stick), 5 bites of the High Priestess’ Steak Tips, green and Onions (OK), ¾ of a Funnel Cake, and a Fried Twinkie (Gotta try something new each year.)

OMG…. I revised my previous statement. The road to hell (at least my person hell) is lined with beautiful women and paved with fried Twinkies. This Twinkie was wonderful. A Twinkie is pretty good just by itself, but deep fry it in sweet batter and sprinkle powder sugar on it, F*#@&! Brilliant! Warm on the outside and the cream is still cold on the inside. The Devil herself could be there with a pitchfork, red skin, black teddy, whip, phallic tail, and a Deep Fried Twinkie…and I’d still think about it.

Later I made my way to the Varied Trades Building and had myself weighed. My souvenir from the Iowa State Fair says 281.5 pounds. That beat Tony Soprano by a pound and a half. To be fair I ‘d my standard 10 pounds of crap I carry with me plus I was toting more water than Gunga Din.

Next year: Deep Fried Oreo Cookies or a Deep Fried Snickers

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