Sunday, October 21, 2007

I am Not a Butt Plug!

I've been cleaning out some old files from Floppies, Zip Drive and old Computers I have laying around the house. I makes me kind of sad to see all my old computer just sitting there because they are out of date. All in working order but not capable of running today's software. I digress...

I came across this funny gerbil story as a text file on an old zip disk. Now know to be an Urban Legend it still makes milk come out my nose.

Here is the Text.

"Sometimes truth, is stranger than fiction"

Actual article from the LA Times:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our
gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my
cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't
come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking
the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital
spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of
intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's
hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's
fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up
the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski
suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the
gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus
and lower intestinal tract.

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story:

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Ouch!!!

9. "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhhhhh! I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.

8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being
shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and
Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil
was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's 'tunnel of
love'.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made
up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I
admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine
looking at a doctor and saying, "Well Doc, it's like this. See, we have
this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does
one ever take a healthy poop after something like that? And the smell
of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face
of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
"idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? (I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family)

Are you crying yet?

2 comments:

Good Wife said...

LOL!

Thank you for the hilarious laugh, your commentary there at the end had me laughing so hard I had to wipe away tears. :)

Technomage said...

Thanks, Always glad to bring someone mirth. :)