Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Marriage Bed

This is not really a Deep Truth, but more of some helpful hints for all the guys out there. So you found your soulmate or maybe Ms. Live-in, and you are sharing the most intimate space in your home, the bed. Listen up! This is a key piece of information. It’s her bed. Remember that and you will do fine. Take an index card (3X5) and place it somewhere on the bed. It doesn’t matter where you put it. GO! Do IT NOW! I’ll wait… Did you do it? Good. Look at that spot carefully. That is your sleeping area the rest of the bed is hers. Get use to it. You are just a daily visitor in the bedroom. Trust me on this one. But take heart this is not the end of the world.

If you have made the leap of faith and joined your fate with another human being, before you settle in to your new home together, go out and buy a bed. Never buy anything less than a Queen size bed. If you have the room go for the King size bed or a bed as big as you can get. I don’t care if you paid for it, it’s still not your bed. The second purchase you should make is a really comfy couch, something you can sleep on. You could even buy a sleeper if you want, but I doubt you will be coherent enough to open it up at 3AM. Beside the extra bed will come in useful when you have guest.

Why are you doing all this? Your future détente with the XX clan will be a slow losing battle. You may think you will have half the bed. Go back and look at that index card. At first it may seem that way, but after a few knees to Big Jim and the Twins you’ll want that 24 inches of no man’s land. Then there is her cat using your foot as a scratching post or the dog sniffing you in the night. Nothing wakes you up quickly than a cold nose in the butt. Let’s not forget the little minions who show up at 2 AM. That couch is starting to look pretty good isn’t it?

It’s not all bad. When it’s –20 outside and the wind is howling, a bed full of quilts and warm friend is a gift from God.

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